1143 lines
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1143 lines
163 KiB
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<title>How to Make Friends as an Adult</title>
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<dc:creator><![CDATA[Mark Manson]]></dc:creator>
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<pubDate>Fri, 12 May 2023 03:44:12 +0000</pubDate>
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<category><![CDATA[Happiness]]></category>
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<category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category>
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<description><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">Romantic relationships get all the attention, but I'd argue that friendships are just as important—if not more so—for our health and happiness.</p>
|
||
<p>Just like with romantic relationships, creating fulfilling, lasting friendships as an adult can be really hard.</p>
|
||
<p>But… <em>Why?</em></p>
|
||
<p>I mean, sure, there's the logistical side of it. As we age, our lives get more complex and filled with responsibilities, making it harder to find the time and energy to forge new connections.</p>
|
||
<p>We also get set in our ways, making it difficult to let down our guard and open ourselves up to new people and experiences.</p>
|
||
<p>But there's also this whole emotional world that, as adults, we tend to forget—or outright ignore—because we think we shouldn't have these kinds of "emotional problems" anymore.</p>
|
||
<p>I mean, it probably feels a little weird to even be reading an article about "making friends." You should have figured out how to "make friends" by now, right?</p>
|
||
<p>Well, like nearly everything in life, it's not quite that simple.<br>
|
||
Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult?<br>
|
||
The fact is, as we get older, any lingering emotional issues we have only get more complex. We layer emotions on …</p>
|
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]]></description>
|
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<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">Romantic relationships get all the attention, but I’d argue that friendships are just as important—if not more so—for our health and happiness.</p>
|
||
<p>Just like with romantic relationships, creating fulfilling, lasting friendships as an adult can be really hard.</p>
|
||
<p>But… <em>Why?</em></p>
|
||
<p>I mean, sure, there’s the logistical side of it. As we age, our lives get more complex and filled with responsibilities, making it harder to find the time and energy to forge new connections.</p>
|
||
<p>We also get set in our ways, making it difficult to let down our guard and open ourselves up to new people and experiences.</p>
|
||
<p>But there’s also this whole emotional world that, as adults, we tend to forget—or outright ignore—because we think we shouldn’t have these kinds of “<a href="https://markmanson.net/why-you-shouldnt-trust-emotions" target="_blank" rel="noopener">emotional problems</a>” anymore.</p>
|
||
<p>I mean, it probably feels a little weird to even be reading an article about “making friends.” You should have figured out how to “make friends” by now, right?</p>
|
||
<p>Well, like nearly everything in life, it’s not quite that simple.</p>
|
||
<h2>Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult?</h2>
|
||
<p>The fact is, as we get older, any lingering emotional issues we have only get more complex. We layer emotions on top of emotions on top of baggage from our past on top of all the fucked up programming society has shoved in our faces for decades by this point.</p>
|
||
<p>When viewed from this perspective, it’s really no wonder it gets harder to make friends as we get older.</p>
|
||
<p>From my experience, here are some of the deeper, more difficult challenges we face in making friends as adults.</p>
|
||
<h3 class="orange-circle-header">You’re Too Afraid of Rejection</h3>
|
||
<p>Perhaps the most significant emotional challenge of making friends (or forming any new relationship, really) as an adult is the fear of rejection.</p>
|
||
<p>When we reach out to others and attempt to build new relationships, we open ourselves up to the possibility of rejection, which can be deeply painful and discouraging.</p>
|
||
<p>It’s natural to feel anxious or nervous when trying to make new friends. Hell, I’d say it’s even a healthy sign. After all, if you truly just didn’t give a shit about what anyone thought, well that would make you a psychopath.</p>
|
||
<p>But the social pressures we face to fit in or not look “creepy” or desperate or whatever have taken their toll by the time we reach our 30s and beyond. Rejection from our peers, we’re taught early in life, is something to be avoided at all costs.</p>
|
||
<p>But it’s important to recognize that rejection is not a reflection of <a href="https://markmanson.net/self-esteem" target="_blank" rel="noopener">your worth</a> or value as a person. It’s simply a sign that you aren’t compatible as friends.</p>
|
||
<p>This is a good thing, even if it stings to get rejected. It means you can move on and find friends that accept you for who you are.</p>
|
||
<p>This is a necessary, albeit painful part of the weeding out process.</p>
|
||
<h3 class="orange-circle-header">You’re Desperately Trying to Cover Up Your Flaws</h3>
|
||
<p>Building deep connections with others requires a willingness to be vulnerable and share your true self with others. That includes all the <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-overcome-your-demons" target="_blank" rel="noopener">fucked up parts</a> of you too.</p>
|
||
<p>This can be scary. It means putting yourself out there and risking the possibility of rejection or judgment. It takes courage to <a href="https://markmanson.net/vulnerability-in-relationships" target="_blank" rel="noopener">be vulnerable</a>, but the rewards of deep, meaningful friendships are well worth it.</p>
|
||
<p>I have a friend that is absolutely horrible at keeping secrets, but he’s completely open about it. If you start to tell him something that even smells like a secret, he’ll warn you about this “flaw” of his.</p>
|
||
<p>Because he’s so open and honest about it, in a strange way, I <a href="https://markmanson.net/why-self-awareness-is-sexy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">find it endearing</a>. Part of that is because I don’t really value “keeping secrets” nor do I want to have a bunch of secrets that need to be kept.</p>
|
||
<p>So in this way, we’re both self-selecting for a friendship without secrets and we’re better off for it.</p>
|
||
<p>If he were to meet someone who was highly secretive and valued friends who kept their mouths shut, well it just wouldn’t work and one or both of them would reject the friendship—and they’d both be better off for it.</p>
|
||
<p>(See how that works?)</p>
|
||
<h3 class="orange-circle-header">You’re Not Making the Time or Space for New People in Your Life</h3>
|
||
<p>As we grow older, our lives get much busier and more complicated. As a result, our time and <a href="https://markmanson.net/attention-diet" target="_blank" rel="noopener">attention</a> is far more limited than it used to be.</p>
|
||
<p>When it comes to building friendships, one of the core components is the simplest: time spent together. People who spend a lot of time together, naturally tend to become friends.</p>
|
||
<p>When you’re young, it’s easy to spend a lot of time with somebody. In fact, you’re forced to. In school, you have to spend hundreds of hours with the same group of kids. In college, you live with your classmates.</p>
|
||
<p>But by middle age, everyone lives on their own, with their own families and their own jobs and their own hobbies and their own vacations.</p>
|
||
<p>Therefore, fairly late in life, you have to teach yourself to deliberately make time and space for friendships. That means, schedule and plan social time. Create or join social groups that meet regularly. Go out of your way to make sure you’re getting steady face-time with certain people.</p>
|
||
<h2>Four Counterintuitive Principles for Making Friends as an Adult</h2>
|
||
<p>In my experience, some of the most effective ways to make friends as an adult are a bit counterintuitive, paradoxical even. But they actually address the underlying issues that a lot of people face when trying to make new friends <a href="https://markmanson.net/10-life-lessons-excel-30s" target="_blank" rel="noopener">in your 30s</a>, 40s, and beyond.</p>
|
||
<p>So without further ado, here are four ways to actually make lasting friendships in your adult life.</p>
|
||
<h3>1. Focus on Yourself First</h3>
|
||
<p>This may seem selfish, but the truth is that when we invest time and energy in our own passions and interests, we become more interesting and likable to others. People are drawn to those who are <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-be-confident" target="_blank" rel="noopener">confident</a>, <a href="https://markmanson.net/find-what-you-love" target="_blank" rel="noopener">passionate</a>, and engaged in life.</p>
|
||
<p>By pursuing your own <a href="https://markmanson.net/goal-setting" target="_blank" rel="noopener">goals</a> and interests, you’ll naturally attract others who share your <a href="https://markmanson.net/personal-values" target="_blank" rel="noopener">values</a> and passions.</p>
|
||
<p>What’s more is that there’s nothing worse in a friendship—any relationship, really—than someone who constantly needs to be “fixed.” Take care of your own shit so you can be there for other people when they need you, and they’ll do the same for you.</p>
|
||
<p>In a seemingly paradoxical way, taking care of yourself first will attract the kind of supportive, loving friends that can help you be even better in the long run.</p>
|
||
<h3>2. Seek More Rejection, Not Less</h3>
|
||
<p>When we put ourselves out there and attempt to build new connections, rejection is inevitable.</p>
|
||
<p>Rather than fearing rejection, try embracing it.</p>
|
||
<p>Recognize that rejection is not a reflection of your worth or value as a person, and use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.</p>
|
||
<p>By <a href="https://markmanson.net/risk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">taking risks</a> and putting yourself in situations where rejection is a possibility, you’ll <a href="https://markmanson.net/resilience" target="_blank" rel="noopener">become more resilient</a> and more likely to find the right connections while weeding out all the wrong ones.</p>
|
||
<h3>3. Be More Selective</h3>
|
||
<p>If there’s one point that conventional advice for making friends misses completely, it’s how selective you should be.</p>
|
||
<p>I don’t mean that you should be a snobby <a href="https://markmanson.net/being-an-asshole" target="_blank" rel="noopener">asshole</a>, going around thinking you’re better than everyone else. All I’m suggesting is rather than trying to connect with anyone and everyone, focus on building deep, meaningful connections with a few key people.</p>
|
||
<p>It’s better to have a <a href="https://markmanson.net/what-real-friends-look-like" target="_blank" rel="noopener">small group of close friends</a> who truly understand and support you than a large network of superficial connections.</p>
|
||
<p>By being more selective, you’ll be more likely to find the right people who share your values and interests.</p>
|
||
<h3>4. Drop Your Expectations of Others</h3>
|
||
<p>Any <a href="https://markmanson.net/3-core-components-of-a-healthy-relationship" target="_blank" rel="noopener">healthy relationship</a> of any kind doesn’t come with strings attached.</p>
|
||
<p>When we approach social interactions with the expectation of getting something in return, we can come across as needy or insincere or even manipulative.</p>
|
||
<p>Instead, focus on giving to others without any expectation of reciprocity. Offer your time, resources, and expertise freely, and you’ll be more likely to attract people who appreciate and value your generosity.</p>
|
||
]]></content:encoded>
|
||
|
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|
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|
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</item>
|
||
<item>
|
||
<title>4 Fascinating Psychological Theories That Explain Your Whole Life</title>
|
||
<link>https://markmanson.net/4-psychological-theories</link>
|
||
|
||
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Mark Manson]]></dc:creator>
|
||
<pubDate>Wed, 01 Feb 2023 05:01:58 +0000</pubDate>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Decision Making]]></category>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Life Purpose]]></category>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category>
|
||
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://markmanson.net/?p=413998</guid>
|
||
|
||
<description><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">Welcome, dear readers, to a mind-bending adventure into the labyrinth of the human psyche. We're going to embark on an odyssey through the catacombs of cognition, the jungles of the subconscious, and a wild ride into the boundless depths of human behavior—with four psychological theories as our guide.</p>
|
||
<p>Because psychology isn't just a series of dry, academic theories locked away in some dusty textbook, reserved for bespectacled professors in ivory towers. It's an exploration into the enigmatic workings of our minds, a quest to unravel our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It's about understanding the secrets that make us tick, and more importantly, it's about discovering what makes us human.</p>
|
||
<p>Here are four psychological theories that help us do just that. Buckle up because this first one isn't just fascinating, it's also kind of, well, terrifying.</p>
|
||
|
||
<ul class="toc-list">
|
||
<li>Terror Management Theory</li>
|
||
<li>Post-Traumatic Growth Theory</li>
|
||
<li>Life History Theory</li>
|
||
<li>Attachment Theory</li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<p>Terror Management Theory<br>
|
||
Terror Management Theory, in a nutshell, is a psychological theory stating that awareness of our own mortality is one of the fundamental drivers of human behavior.</p>
|
||
<p>Greenberg, J., & Arndt, J. (2011). Terror management theory. <em>Handbook</em> …</p>
|
||
]]></description>
|
||
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">Welcome, dear readers, to a mind-bending adventure into the labyrinth of the human psyche. We’re going to embark on an odyssey through the catacombs of cognition, the jungles of the subconscious, and a wild ride into the boundless depths of human behavior—with four psychological theories as our guide.</p>
|
||
<p>Because psychology isn’t just a series of dry, academic theories locked away in some dusty textbook, reserved for bespectacled professors in ivory towers. It’s an exploration into the enigmatic workings of <a href="https://markmanson.net/your-two-minds" target="_blank" rel="noopener">our minds</a>, a quest to unravel our thoughts, <a href="https://markmanson.net/understanding-your-emotions" target="_blank" rel="noopener">emotions</a>, and behaviors. It’s about understanding the secrets that make us tick, and more importantly, it’s about discovering <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-up" target="_blank" rel="noopener">what makes us human</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>Here are four psychological theories that help us do just that. Buckle up because this first one isn’t just fascinating, it’s also kind of, well, terrifying.</p>
|
||
<div class="toc-container">
|
||
<h4>Table of Contents</h4>
|
||
<ul class="toc-list">
|
||
<li><a href="#terror-management">Terror Management Theory</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#post-traumatic-growth">Post-Traumatic Growth Theory</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#life-history">Life History Theory</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#attachment">Attachment Theory</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="terror-management">Terror Management Theory</h2>
|
||
<p>Terror Management Theory, in a nutshell, is a psychological theory stating that awareness of our own mortality is one of the fundamental drivers of human behavior.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-1" id="refmark-1"><sup>1</sup></a></p>
|
||
<p>You see, unlike dogs, monkeys or rats, humans are unique in that we have the cognitive ability to understand that <a href="https://markmanson.net/the-uncomfortable-truth" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>we are going to die</em></a><em> someday</em>. And let’s be honest, that’s a pretty terrifying thought.</p>
|
||
<p>So, what do we do to cope with this terrifying realization? We create cultural systems of meaning and value that help us feel like we’re part of something greater than ourselves.</p>
|
||
<p>These cultural systems can take many forms, such as religion,<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-2" id="refmark-2"><sup>2</sup></a> political ideologies, and social norms. They provide us with a sense of purpose and significance, and they help us believe that <a href="https://markmanson.net/the-meaning-of-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">our lives have meaning</a> beyond just our own individual existence.</p>
|
||
<p>But here’s the thing: when these cultural systems are threatened or challenged, it can trigger a deep sense of existential terror.</p>
|
||
<p>Suddenly, the fragile veneer of meaning that we’ve constructed to protect ourselves from the reality of our mortality is shattered, and we’re forced to confront the fact that our lives are finite and perhaps meaningless.</p>
|
||
<p>This is where things can get really interesting (or really disturbing, depending on how you look at it). In order to cope with this terror, people will often engage in a variety of defensive strategies, such as becoming more entrenched in their beliefs,<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-3" id="refmark-3"><sup>3</sup></a> denigrating those who don’t share their beliefs, or even resorting to violence to protect their cultural worldview.</p>
|
||
<p>In other words, when our sense of meaning and purpose is threatened, we become much more rigid in our thinking and behavior. We become less tolerant of differences and more <a href="https://markmanson.net/internet" target="_blank" rel="noopener">prone to aggression and violence</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>Now, before you go throwing up your hands and declaring that all humans are just a bunch of nihilistic, violent monsters, it’s worth noting that there are plenty of positive ways to cope with the realization of our mortality.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-4" id="refmark-4"><sup>4</sup></a> For example, many people find that cultivating a sense of <a href="https://markmanson.net/shut-up-and-be-grateful" target="_blank" rel="noopener">gratitude</a> and <a href="https://markmanson.net/joy-and-meaning" target="_blank" rel="noopener">appreciation for the present moment</a> can help them feel more connected to the world around them. Others may find comfort in the knowledge that their actions can have a positive impact on future generations.</p>
|
||
<p>The bottom line is this: Terror Management Theory may seem like a dark and depressing topic, but it can actually shed a lot of light on the ways that we as humans strive to <a href="https://markmanson.net/life-purpose" target="_blank" rel="noopener">find meaning and purpose</a> in a world that can sometimes seem bleak and meaningless.</p>
|
||
<p>By understanding the ways that we cope with our mortality, we can begin to develop more positive and life-affirming strategies for dealing with the existential terror that is an inevitable part of the human experience.</p>
|
||
<p>In fact, simply practicing the <a href="https://markmanson.net/why-i-am-not-a-stoic" target="_blank" rel="noopener">stoic concept</a> of <em>memento mori, </em>or, “remember that you will die,” can help us cultivate a great relationship with our mortality. It’s often when we sit and contemplate our own death consciously, that we’re able to put things in perspective for ourselves.</p>
|
||
<h2 id="post-traumatic-growth">Post-Traumatic Growth Theory</h2>
|
||
<p>We all know that trauma sucks. It’s painful, it’s distressing, and it can leave deep scars that last a lifetime. But here’s the thing: it’s not always all bad. In fact, some people actually experience personal growth and transformation in the aftermath of a traumatic event.</p>
|
||
<p>This might seem counterintuitive, but it’s backed up by a growing body of psychological research. Post-traumatic growth theory suggests that people who experience trauma can actually <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-from-your-pain" target="_blank" rel="noopener">come out the other side stronger</a> and more resilient than before. They may develop a greater appreciation for life, a deeper sense of purpose and meaning, and a stronger sense of connection with others.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-5" id="refmark-5"><sup>5</sup></a></p>
|
||
<p>Now, let’s be clear: this doesn’t mean that trauma is something that we should seek out or that it’s somehow good for us. But it does mean that even in the midst of our darkest moments, there is the potential for growth and transformation.</p>
|
||
<p>So, how does this work? Well, it’s not exactly a straightforward process. In fact, it can be messy, unpredictable, and sometimes painful. But here are a few of the key ingredients that can contribute to post-traumatic growth:</p>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li>First, there’s the concept of “disruption.” Trauma can shake us out of our complacency and force us to reevaluate our priorities and our beliefs. It can be a wake-up call that forces us to confront the <a href="https://markmanson.net/the-uncomfortable-truth" target="_blank" rel="noopener">reality of our mortality</a> and to reassess what’s really important in life.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-6" id="refmark-6"><sup>6</sup></a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li>Second, there’s the idea of “meaning-making.” People who experience post-traumatic growth often find ways to make sense of their experience and to integrate it into their personal narrative. They may find new sources of <a href="https://markmanson.net/the-meaning-of-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">meaning and purpose in life</a>, or they may feel a renewed sense of connection to others.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-7" id="refmark-7"><sup>7</sup></a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li>Finally, there’s the concept of “<a href="https://markmanson.net/resilience" target="_blank" rel="noopener">resilience</a>.” People who experience post-traumatic growth are often able to bounce back from adversity and to use their experience as a source of strength and resilience. They may develop a greater sense of self-efficacy and a belief in their ability to overcome challenges.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-8" id="refmark-8"><sup>8</sup></a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<p>Now, it’s worth noting that post-traumatic growth is not a guarantee. Not everyone who experiences trauma will experience growth and transformation as a result.</p>
|
||
<p>But it is a reminder that even in our darkest moments, there is the potential for light and growth. It’s a testament to the power of the human spirit to overcome adversity and to find meaning and purpose even in the face of profound pain and suffering.</p>
|
||
<p>So, to all of you out there who have experienced trauma: know that you are not alone, and that there is the <a href="https://markmanson.net/why-growth-requires-struggle" target="_blank" rel="noopener">potential for growth</a> and transformation on the other side. It won’t be easy, but it is possible. And that, my friends, is something worth holding onto.</p>
|
||
<h2 id="life-history">Life History Theory</h2>
|
||
<p>According to Life History Theory, all organisms have finite resources at their disposal, and they need to allocate those resources in a way that maximizes their reproductive success.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-9" id="refmark-9"><sup>9</sup></a></p>
|
||
<p>In other words, they need to figure out how to have as many babies as possible, while also ensuring that those babies survive to reproduce themselves.</p>
|
||
<p>Here’s where things get interesting: Different organisms have different strategies for allocating their resources. Some organisms, like trees or tortoises, invest heavily in growth and development early in life, and then slow down and conserve their resources later on. Other organisms, like rabbits or mice, invest less in growth and development early on, and then reproduce early and often.</p>
|
||
<p>So, where do humans fit into all of this? Well, according to Life History Theory, humans are what’s known as a “variable life history strategy” species. In other words, we’re pretty flexible in terms of how we allocate our resources over time.</p>
|
||
<p>Some humans may follow a slow life history strategy, investing heavily in <a href="https://markmanson.net/taught-in-school" target="_blank" rel="noopener">education</a>, <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-find-the-perfect-career" target="_blank" rel="noopener">career</a>, and <a href="https://markmanson.net/self-improvement" target="_blank" rel="noopener">personal development</a> before settling down and having children. Others may follow a fast life history strategy, having children early and often and focusing less on long-term planning and <a href="https://markmanson.net/delayed-gratification" target="_blank" rel="noopener">delayed gratification</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>Now, this might all seem a bit abstract, but here’s where things get really interesting. Life History Theory can help explain a whole range of human behaviors and traits, from <a href="https://markmanson.net/risk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">risk-taking</a> to <a href="https://markmanson.net/guide-to-modern-dating" target="_blank" rel="noopener">mate selection</a> to socialization.</p>
|
||
<p>For example, humans who follow a fast life history strategy may be more likely to engage in risky behaviors, such as drug use or reckless driving, because they have less to lose in the long run. They may also be more likely to choose partners based on physical attractiveness, since that is a signal of reproductive fitness.</p>
|
||
<p>On the other hand, humans who follow a slow life history strategy may be more likely to choose partners based on intelligence or ambition, since those traits are more likely to contribute to long-term reproductive success. They may also be more risk-averse and less likely to engage in dangerous behaviors, since they have more to lose in the long run.</p>
|
||
<p>It’s worth noting that Life History Theory is not a one-size-fits-all explanation for human behavior—no psychological theory is. It’s a complex and nuanced theory that is still being researched and debated by evolutionary psychologists.</p>
|
||
<p>But it is a reminder that human behavior is not just a product of our individual choices or circumstances. It is shaped by our evolutionary history, and by the strategies that we have developed over time to maximize our reproductive success.</p>
|
||
<p>Life History Theory may not be the most feel-good topic out there, but it can help shed light on some of the most fundamental aspects of human behavior. And that, my friends, is something worth paying attention to.</p>
|
||
<h2 id="attachment">Attachment Theory</h2>
|
||
<p>If you’re even a little familiar with my work, you’ll know that I lean heavily on <a href="https://markmanson.net/attachment-styles" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Attachment Theory</a> to explain a lot of how relationships work—or don’t work.</p>
|
||
<p>Attachment theory is all about one of the most fundamental human experiences out there: our need for emotional connection.</p>
|
||
<p>At its core, attachment theory is about the bonds that form between infants and their caregivers. According to attachment theory, these bonds are crucial for a child’s emotional and social development. Infants who have a secure attachment to their caregivers are more likely to feel safe, confident, and capable in their relationships with others throughout their lives.</p>
|
||
<p>But here’s where things get really interesting. Attachment theory doesn’t just apply to infants and their caregivers. It can also help us understand the dynamics of adult relationships, and why some people are more successful at forming and maintaining <a href="https://markmanson.net/3-core-components-of-a-healthy-relationship" target="_blank" rel="noopener">healthy, satisfying partnerships</a> than others.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-10" id="refmark-10"><sup>10</sup></a></p>
|
||
<p>According to attachment theory, adults who have a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and are able to <a href="https://markmanson.net/healthy-relationship-habits" target="_blank" rel="noopener">form strong emotional bonds</a> with others. They are confident in their ability to communicate their needs and feelings, and they trust that their partners will be there for them when they need support.</p>
|
||
<p>On the other hand, adults who have an insecure attachment style may struggle with intimacy and have difficulty forming strong emotional bonds. They may be hesitant to trust others, and <a href="https://markmanson.net/toxic-relationship-signs" target="_blank" rel="noopener">may have trouble communicating their needs and feelings</a> in a healthy way.</p>
|
||
<p>Now, here’s where things get really interesting. Attachment style isn’t just something that’s hardwired into us from birth. It can also be shaped by our life experiences,<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-11" id="refmark-11"><sup>11</sup></a> particularly our early experiences with caregivers.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-12" id="refmark-12"><sup>12</sup></a></p>
|
||
<p>For example, if a child’s caregiver is consistently responsive and attentive to their needs, they are more likely to develop a secure attachment style as an adult. But if a child’s caregiver is inconsistent or neglectful, they may develop an insecure attachment style.</p>
|
||
<p>The good news is that attachment style is not set in stone. Through <a href="https://markmanson.net/therapy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">therapy</a> and other forms of <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-better" target="_blank" rel="noopener">self-work</a>, it is possible to develop a more secure attachment style and form healthier, more fulfilling relationships.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">If you’re interested in learning more about your own attachment style, you can sign up for my <a href="https://markmanson.net/relationships-mini-course" target="_blank" rel="noopener">free email course on attachment and relationships</a>.</div>
|
||
<p>There you have it—four psychological theories that you may not have heard of before, but that can tell you a lot about your own life. Though, like any model, these theories are necessarily simplifications of a complex reality, they could give you the understanding you needed to make positive changes in your life. You’re welcome.</p>
|
||
<div id="footnote-list" class="footnote-list" style="display:inherit">
|
||
<div class="footnotes-inner-container"><span id="fn-heading">Footnotes</span></p>
|
||
<ol>
|
||
<li id="footnote-1" class="fn-text">Greenberg, J., & Arndt, J. (2011). <a href="https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=SePipgh2z7kC&oi=fnd&pg=PA398&dq=terror+management+theory&ots=_MioqjJ2vL&sig=gwLbIY1GRUZcVSG6xYz_6KEvJDE" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Terror management theory. <em>Handbook of Theories of Social Psychology</em></a>, <em>1</em>, 398–415.<a href="#refmark-1">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-2" class="fn-text">Vail, K. E., Rothschild, Z. K., Weise, D. R., Solomon, S., Pyszczynski, T., & Greenberg, J. (2010). <a href="http://psr.sagepub.com/content/14/1/84.full.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A terror management analysis of the psychological functions of religion</a>. <em>Personality and Social Psychology Review</em>, <em>14</em>(1), 84–94.<a href="#refmark-2">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-3" class="fn-text">Jonas, E., & Fischer, P. (2006). <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/psp/91/3/553/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Terror management and religion: evidence that intrinsic religiousness mitigates worldview defense following mortality salience</a>. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology</em>, <em>91</em>(3), 553.<a href="#refmark-3">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-4" class="fn-text">Greenberg, J., & Arndt, J. (2011). <a href="https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=SePipgh2z7kC&oi=fnd&pg=PA398&dq=terror+management+theory&ots=_MioqjJ2vL&sig=gwLbIY1GRUZcVSG6xYz_6KEvJDE" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Terror management theory. <em>Handbook of Theories of Social Psychology</em></a>, <em>1</em>, 398–415.<a href="#refmark-4">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-5" class="fn-text">Calhoun, L. G., & Tedeschi, R. G. (2014). <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Handbook-Posttraumatic-Growth-Research/dp/0805857672" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>Handbook of posttraumatic growth: Research and practice</em></a>. Routledge.<a href="#refmark-5">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-6" class="fn-text">Hefferon, K., Grealy, M., & Mutrie, N. (2009). <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1348/135910708X332936/pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Post-traumatic growth and life threatening physical illness: A systematic review of the qualitative literature.</a> <em>British Journal of Health Psychology</em>, <em>14</em>(2), 343–378.<a href="#refmark-6">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-7" class="fn-text">Morrill, E. F., Brewer, N. T., O’Neill, S. C., Lillie, S. E., Dees, E. C., Carey, L. A., & Rimer, B. K. (2008). <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18213677" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The interaction of post-traumatic growth and post-traumatic stress symptoms in predicting depressive symptoms and quality of life</a>. <em>Psycho-Oncology</em>, <em>17</em>(9), 948–953.<a href="#refmark-7">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-8" class="fn-text">Woodward, C., & Joseph, S. (2003). <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1348/147608303322362497/pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Positive change processes and post-traumatic growth in people who have experienced childhood abuse: Understanding vehicles of change</a>. <em>Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice</em>, <em>76</em>(3), 267–283.<a href="#refmark-8">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-9" class="fn-text">Figueredo, A. J., et al. (2006). <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0273229706000190" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Consilience and life history theory: From genes to brain to reproductive strategy</a>. Developmental Review, 26(2), 243–275.<a href="#refmark-9">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-10" class="fn-text">Allen, J. G., Stein, H., Fonagy, P., Fultz, J., & Target, M. (2005). <a href="https://doi.org/10/cftm4x" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Rethinking adult attachment: A study of expert consensus.</a> <em>Bulletin of the Menninger Clinic</em>, <em>69</em>(1), 59–80.<a href="#refmark-10">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-11" class="fn-text">Kirkpatrick, L. A., & Hazan, C. (1994). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00058.x" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Attachment styles and close relationships: A four-year prospective study.</a> <em>Personal Relationships</em>, <em>1</em>(2), 123–142.<a href="#refmark-11">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-12" class="fn-text">Fraley, R. C., & Heffernan, M. E. (2013). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167213491503" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Attachment and Parental Divorce: A Test of the Diffusion and Sensitive Period Hypotheses.</a> <em>Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin</em>, <em>39</em>(9), 1199–1213.<a href="#refmark-12">↵</a></li>
|
||
</ol>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
]]></content:encoded>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</item>
|
||
<item>
|
||
<title>A Practical Guide to Modern Dating</title>
|
||
<link>https://markmanson.net/guide-to-modern-dating</link>
|
||
|
||
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Mark Manson]]></dc:creator>
|
||
<pubDate>Sun, 01 Jan 2023 05:01:00 +0000</pubDate>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Dating Advice]]></category>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Relationships]]></category>
|
||
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://markmanson.net/?p=63976</guid>
|
||
|
||
<description><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">So you've thrown yourself into the modern dating pool, eh? You brave, brave soul.</p>
|
||
<p>Look, I know meeting new people, going on dates, figuring out if you even like the person sitting across from you—it can all be confusing, frustrating, and just exhausting at times. Not to mention all that dating advice constantly dished out by caring friends and meddling strangers, advice that promises everlasting love but delivers only frustration.</p>
|
||
<p>But before you start to despair, I want to challenge you to open up your mind a little.</p>
|
||
<p>Instead of trying to figure out all the things you need to <em>do or say</em> to go on more dates, I want you to start thinking about <em>the kind of person you want to be</em> to attract the right people into your life.</p>
|
||
<p>It's not about saying the right lines or sending that perfect text at the perfect time or anything like that.</p>
|
||
<p>It's about figuring out who you are, then finding ways to express that so that you invite the right people into your life first.</p>
|
||
<p>Let's dive in.</p>
|
||
|
||
<ul class="toc-list">
|
||
<li>Make Yourself More Attractive</li>
|
||
<li>Date the Right People</li>
|
||
<li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<p> …</p>
|
||
]]></description>
|
||
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">So you’ve thrown yourself into the modern dating pool, eh? You brave, brave soul.</p>
|
||
<p>Look, I know meeting new people, going on dates, figuring out if you even like the person sitting across from you—it can all be confusing, frustrating, and just exhausting at times. Not to mention all that dating advice constantly dished out by caring friends and meddling strangers, advice that promises everlasting love but delivers only frustration.</p>
|
||
<p>But before you start to despair, I want to challenge you to open up your mind a little.</p>
|
||
<p>Instead of trying to figure out all the things you need to <em>do or say</em> to go on more dates, I want you to start thinking about <em>the kind of person you want to be</em> to <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-find-the-one" target="_blank" rel="noopener">attract the right people</a> into your life.</p>
|
||
<p>It’s not about saying the right lines or sending that perfect text at the perfect time or anything like that.</p>
|
||
<p>It’s about figuring out who you are, then finding ways to express that so that you invite the right people into your life first.</p>
|
||
<p>Let’s dive in.</p>
|
||
<div class="toc-container">
|
||
<h4>Table of Contents</h4>
|
||
<ul class="toc-list">
|
||
<li><a href="#attractive">Make Yourself More Attractive</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#dating">Date the Right People</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#boundaries">Establish Boundaries</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#articles">All Dating Advice Articles</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="attractive">How to Make Yourself More Attractive</h2>
|
||
<p>A lot of dating advice out there tells you how to be more attractive by making yourself look a certain way or talk a certain way or act a certain way.</p>
|
||
<p><strong>But none of these things matter if you don’t have the emotional foundation for a healthy, attractive personality and lifestyle.</strong></p>
|
||
<p>So, here’s how to actually make yourself more attractive.</p>
|
||
<h3>Drop the Needy Behavior</h3>
|
||
<p>Neediness is the root of all unattractive behavior.</p>
|
||
<p>Neediness is when you prioritize what others think of you over what you think of yourself.</p>
|
||
<p>It all comes down to your intentions.</p>
|
||
<p>In whatever you do, are you trying to impress others and get them to like you because you value their opinion of yourself more than your own?</p>
|
||
<p>Or are you genuinely expressing yourself in an attempt to connect with someone else, and they can take it or leave it?</p>
|
||
<p>This is why dating advice that focuses on <em>what</em> to say or do or how to act or whatever completely misses the point. It doesn’t matter what you say if you’re being needy and trying to get someone else to like you or be impressed with you or whatever.</p>
|
||
<h3>Get Your Shit Together</h3>
|
||
<p>Alright, time for some tough love here: <em>No one wants to date a project</em>.</p>
|
||
<p>I’m not saying you have to be perfect in every area of your life. But if you’ve got <a href="https://markmanson.net/why-you-shouldnt-trust-emotions" target="_blank" rel="noopener">emotional problems</a> or health problems or money problems or work problems or major family problems—you’re far better off getting those areas handled first before you drag someone else into it too.</p>
|
||
<p>Some big areas to focus on, if you don’t already:</p>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><strong>Your physical health.</strong> Eat right. Move your body a little more. And get some goddamn sleep already.</li>
|
||
<li><strong>Your </strong><a href="https://markmanson.net/managing-your-mental-health" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><strong>mental health</strong></a><strong>. </strong>Get the stress in your life under control. Find ways to get out into nature more. <a href="https://markmanson.net/therapy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">See a therapist</a> if you have lingering emotional issues you can’t seem to figure out.</li>
|
||
<li><strong>Your finances.</strong> Get your financial house in order. Build some savings. Pay down debt. Learn the basics about investing.</li>
|
||
<li><strong>Your job</strong>. No one likes to hear someone constantly complain about their job. If you hate your job, <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-find-the-perfect-career" target="_blank" rel="noopener">start looking for a new one</a>.</li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<p>A lot of these things won’t directly help you date more people, but they are often roadblocks to developing <a href="https://markmanson.net/3-core-components-of-a-healthy-relationship" target="_blank" rel="noopener">healthy connections and relationships</a> with many people.</p>
|
||
<p>So get them taken care of.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>More Dating Advice Articles on Making Yourself More Attractive</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/still-single" target="_blank" rel="noopener">3 Simple Explanations for Why You’re Still Single</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/why-dating-is-so-hard" target="_blank" rel="noopener">It’s Complicated: Why Relationships and Dating Can Be So Hard</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/woman-lovers-and-haters" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Woman Lovers and Woman Haters</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/attract-women" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Attract Women</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/pornography-can-ruin-your-sex-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How Pornography Can Ruin Your Sex Life</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="dating">How to Date the Right People</h2>
|
||
<p>Dating apps, meet-up groups, local clubs and organizations, dance classes, yoga classes, pottery classes, all the classes… and on and on and on.</p>
|
||
<p>Any and all of these are great ways to meet people, but I think a lot of people expect these things to be some kind of magic bullet. The truth is, you still have to put in the work to find the right people no matter how or where you’re meeting them.</p>
|
||
<p>However you choose to go about meeting new people, here are a couple of things to keep in mind.</p>
|
||
<h3>Demographics</h3>
|
||
<p>In my book on dating and attraction, <a href="https://markmanson.net/books/models" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>Models</em></a>, I have a whole chapter dedicated to finding highly compatible people to date through leveraging “demographics.”</p>
|
||
<p>The concept of demographics in the context of dating is simple: like attracts like—and so you attract what you are.</p>
|
||
<p>This includes things like your lifestyle, your beliefs about other people/the world, your values, and yes, even things like your age, money, and looks.</p>
|
||
<p>(Quick side note: Age, money, and looks do matter, but how much they matter is different for different people. Check out Chapter 7 of my book <a href="https://markmanson.net/books/models" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>Models</em></a> for more on this.)</p>
|
||
<p>Basically, demographics in this context largely determines the type of people you’ll end up dating.</p>
|
||
<p>For example, if you’re an intellectual introvert deeply interested in abstract concepts and you’re looking for a companion with similar values, you probably aren’t going to have much luck dating club-hopping party animals who haven’t opened a book since high school.</p>
|
||
<h3>Chemistry and Compatibility in Dating</h3>
|
||
<p>I’ve written more extensively about <a href="https://markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry" target="_blank" rel="noopener">chemistry and compatibility</a> in dating and relationships, but briefly:</p>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><strong>Chemistry</strong> is the emotional connection present when two people are together. A high degree of chemistry brings out the warm, fuzzy emotions in each person. Two people who lack chemistry, on the other hand, won’t feel that “spark” between them.</li>
|
||
<li><strong>Compatibility</strong> is the natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values of two people. This can include anything from how late you like to stay up at night to your political and religious views.</li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<p>Relationships that have both chemistry and compatibility are the healthiest and most fulfilling.</p>
|
||
<p>If you just have chemistry without much compatibility, well, that usually turns into a rollercoaster of a <a href="https://markmanson.net/toxic-relationship-signs" target="_blank" rel="noopener">toxic relationship</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>If you just have compatibility without much chemistry, the relationship gets boring fast.</p>
|
||
<p>There are a few things you can do to figure out what’s the right type of person for you:</p>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li>Learn about things like <a href="https://markmanson.net/attachment-styles" target="_blank" rel="noopener">your attachment style</a> and <a href="https://markmanson.net/understanding-your-emotions" target="_blank" rel="noopener">your emotional needs</a>. This can give you a better idea of what kind of people are best for you.</li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/healthy-relationship-habits" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Know what a healthy relationship looks like</a> so you know what you’re aiming for.</li>
|
||
<li>Get a clear idea of your own <a href="https://markmanson.net/personal-values" target="_blank" rel="noopener">personal values</a> and how important each is to you when deciding who to date.</li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>More Dating Advice Articles on Dating the Right People</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-find-the-one" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Find “The One”</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/flirting" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Right and Wrong Ways to Flirt</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/romance" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Romance Is Like Alcohol</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/history-of-romance" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Brief History of Romance (And Why It Matters)</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/the-levels-of-eye-contact" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Levels of Eye Contact</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/sex-education" target="_blank" rel="noopener">7 Things Sex Education Should Have Taught Us But Didn’t</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/disney" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How Disney Ruined Sex for Everyone</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/std-guide" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Your Honest-to-God Guide to STDs</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="boundaries">Know Your Boundaries—and Stick to Them</h2>
|
||
<p>Boundaries are like the invisible walls that protect our emotional wellbeing. They help us define what we’re comfortable with, what we’re not, and what we need from our partner in order to feel safe and loved.</p>
|
||
<p>Many of us, however, struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries.</p>
|
||
<p>We fear rejection or conflict, or simply lack the communication skills to express our needs effectively. However, neglecting to establish clear boundaries can lead to all sorts of problems, including resentment, anxiety, and even abuse.</p>
|
||
<p>Setting healthy boundaries means:</p>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><strong>Taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions</strong>. And <em>not</em> taking responsibility for the other person’s actions and emotions—or expecting them to take responsibility for your actions and emotions.</li>
|
||
<li><strong>Recognizing and responding to red flags</strong>. If you’re dating someone who ignores your needs, belittles your feelings, or violates your boundaries, take action. At the very least, that means having a blunt conversation about their behavior. If nothing changes, it’s best to just walk away at that point.</li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<p>Of course, people are people and we can’t expect to align on everything 100% of the time. <a href="https://markmanson.net/boundaries" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Establishing healthy boundaries</a> is more about figuring out what you will and will not compromise on.</p>
|
||
<p>But if someone is trampling all over your boundaries and you’ve only started dating recently, well, do you really think it’s going to get any better with time?</p>
|
||
<p>Remember, your emotional wellbeing is your top priority, and it’s not worth sacrificing for the sake of someone who doesn’t respect you.</p>
|
||
<p>By being <a href="https://markmanson.net/change-your-mind" target="_blank" rel="noopener">clear and assertive about your boundaries</a>, you’ll attract partners who share your values and priorities, and build a relationship that’s both fulfilling and sustainable.</p>
|
||
<p>Good luck out there.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>More Dating Advice Articles on Boundaries</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/change-your-mind" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Change Your Mind About Dating</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Fuck Yes or No</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/sexual-harassment" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Borders of Sexual Harassment</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-break-up-with-someone" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Break Up With Someone</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="articles">All Dating Advice Articles</h2>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Read More Dating Advice</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/still-single'>3 Simple Explanations for Why You're Still Single</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/history-of-romance'>A Brief History of Romance (And Why It Matters)</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry'>Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/std-guide'>Your Honest-to-God Guide to STDs</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/pornography-can-ruin-your-sex-life'>How Pornography Can Ruin Your Sex Life</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/the-levels-of-eye-contact'>The Levels of Eye Contact</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/how-to-break-up-with-someone'>How to Break Up With Someone</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/romance'>Romance Is Like Alcohol</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/how-to-find-the-one'>How to find “The One”</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/attract-women'>How to Attract Women</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/sex-education'>7 Things Sex Education Should Have Taught Us But Didn't</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes'>Fuck Yes or No</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/change-your-mind'>Change Your Mind About Dating</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/disney'>How Disney Ruined Sex for Everyone</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/flirting'>The Right and Wrong Ways to Flirt</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/sexual-harassment'>The Borders of Sexual Harassment</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/why-dating-is-so-hard'>It's Complicated: Why Relationships and Dating Can Be So Hard</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/woman-lovers-and-haters'>Woman Lovers and Woman Haters</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li></ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
]]></content:encoded>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</item>
|
||
<item>
|
||
<title>Motivation: What It Is, How It Works, and Where to Find It</title>
|
||
<link>https://markmanson.net/motivation</link>
|
||
|
||
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Mark Manson]]></dc:creator>
|
||
<pubDate>Thu, 01 Dec 2022 05:01:14 +0000</pubDate>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Motivation]]></category>
|
||
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://markmanson.net/?p=412154</guid>
|
||
|
||
<description><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">We all want to be motivated. We want to feel energized and excited about the things we do. We want to wake up in the morning with a sense of purpose and drive, ready to tackle the day ahead.</p>
|
||
<p>But the truth is, motivation is not always easy to come by. </p>
|
||
<p>We tell ourselves lies about what motivates us:</p>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li>We believe that we need to feel passionate about something in order to be motivated.</li>
|
||
<li>We think that motivation is something that comes from within us, that it is a natural part of our personality or character.</li>
|
||
<li>We believe that motivation is a feeling, and that it is something we can control.</li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<p><em>These are all excuses we use to avoid taking action.</em></p>
|
||
<p>The truth is, we don't need to feel passionate about something in order to be motivated. We don't need to have a natural talent or gift in order to be motivated. We don't need to be in the perfect situation or environment in order to be motivated.</p>
|
||
<p>Motivation is not just a feeling. It is a habit, a practice that we need to cultivate in our daily lives. …</p>
|
||
]]></description>
|
||
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">We all want to be motivated. We want to feel energized and excited about the things we do. We want to wake up in the morning with a sense of purpose and drive, ready to tackle the day ahead.</p>
|
||
<p>But the truth is, motivation is not always easy to come by. </p>
|
||
<p>We tell ourselves lies about what motivates us:</p>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li>We believe that we need to feel passionate about something in order to be motivated.</li>
|
||
<li>We think that motivation is something that comes from within us, that it is a natural part of our personality or character.</li>
|
||
<li>We believe that motivation is a feeling, and that it is something we can control.</li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<p><em>These are all excuses we use to avoid taking action.</em></p>
|
||
<p>The truth is, we <a href="https://markmanson.net/screw-finding-your-passion" target="_blank" rel="noopener">don’t need to feel passionate</a> about something in order to be motivated. We don’t need to have a natural talent or gift in order to be motivated. We don’t need to be in the perfect situation or environment in order to be motivated.</p>
|
||
<p>Motivation is not just a feeling. It is a habit, a practice that we need to cultivate in our daily lives. It is not just something that we have or we don’t have, <em>it is something that we create for ourselves.</em></p>
|
||
<p>Let’s break this down.</p>
|
||
<div class="toc-container">
|
||
<h4>Table of Contents</h4>
|
||
<ul class="toc-list">
|
||
<li><a href="#action">Do Something</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#emotions">Leverage Your Emotions</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#pain">Embrace the Pain</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#identity">Diversify Your Identity</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#more-articles">All Articles on Motivation</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="action">Action Is Both the Cause and Effect of Motivation</h2>
|
||
<p>Most people think that motivation is this elusive, magical creature that we’re all desperately chasing, hoping it will somehow magically infuse us with the energy and drive to do what we need to do.</p>
|
||
<p>But motivation isn’t some fairy that sprinkles you with pixie dust to get your ass off the couch; it’s actually the <em>byproduct</em> of taking action.</p>
|
||
<p>That’s right, motivation is something that emerges when you start doing stuff, not the other way around. This is what I call “<a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-motivated" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Do Something Principle</a>” and I use it all the time when I’m not feeling very motivated.</p>
|
||
<p>The hardest part of any task is usually just starting it—but that’s also where the magic happens. Instead of waiting for motivation to strike, just <em>do something</em>—anything, really. Even if you’re stumbling and fumbling through it, you’re creating momentum.</p>
|
||
<p>This momentum is like a snowball rolling down a hill; it keeps growing and growing until it becomes an unstoppable force. As you take action, you begin to see progress, and progress is like jet fuel for motivation.</p>
|
||
<p>Your brain starts to realize that, “Hey, I can do this,” and suddenly, you’re riding the motivation wave, feeling empowered and unstoppable.</p>
|
||
<p>So, if you want to unleash the motivational beast within, don’t sit around waiting for it to knock on your door. Instead, take a step—any step—toward your goal and watch as motivation comes running to join you in the journey.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>More Articles on Doing Something</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-motivated" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">How to Get Motivated: The “Do Something” Principle”</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/goals" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Why Goals Are Overrated (And What to Do Instead)</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/paradox-of-success" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The Paradox of Success</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/creative-advantages-of-ignorance" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The Creative Advantages of Ignorance</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/5-mindsets-that-create-success" target="_blank" rel="noopener">5 Mindsets That Create Success</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-be-confident" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Only Way to Be Confident</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/breakthrough-fallacy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Breakthrough Fallacy—What Change Actually Looks Like</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="emotions">Motivation Is an Emotional Problem With Emotional Solutions</h2>
|
||
<p>Another key to motivating yourself is <a href="https://markmanson.net/understanding-your-emotions" target="_blank" rel="noopener">learning how to play with your own emotions</a>. I know, I know, it sounds weird, but stay with me here.</p>
|
||
<p>Our brains are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. By gamifying a task or rewarding ourselves, we’re essentially hacking our brains and tricking them into chasing those feel-good emotions.</p>
|
||
<p>Now, some people think they shouldn’t have to play games with themselves like this, that they should just be able to <em>get shit done</em>. But trying to build motivation without leveraging emotions is an unnecessary uphill battle.</p>
|
||
<p>Embrace the fact that you’re a pleasure-seeking creature, and <a href="https://markmanson.net/self-discipline" target="_blank" rel="noopener">use it to your advantage</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>Think about it this way: if you can turn a mundane task into something enjoyable or rewarding, you’re going to be far more likely to do it.</p>
|
||
<p>For example, say you want to start exercising more. Instead of dreading the very thought of putting on your sneakers, find a way to make it more enjoyable—create an epic playlist, join a fun class, or challenge a friend to a little friendly competition.</p>
|
||
<p>The more you can associate positive emotions with the desired behavior, the more you’ll want to do it.</p>
|
||
<p>You can also game your emotions by rewarding yourself. Promise yourself a small treat after completing a task, like a bubble bath or your favorite snack, and suddenly you’ll find yourself racing to the finish line.</p>
|
||
<p>Now, this strategy works best for short-term motivation and especially when you’re trying to <a href="https://markmanson.net/habits" target="_blank" rel="noopener">establish a new healthy habit</a> of some kind. Over time, though, you need something more durable than simple carrots and sticks.</p>
|
||
<p>You need the motivation of pain.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>More Articles on Leveraging Your Emotions</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/self-discipline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">If Self-Discipline Feels Difficult, Then You’re Doing It Wrong</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/delayed-gratification" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">How to Delay Gratification</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-better" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Feel Better</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/self-esteem" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Build Self-Esteem (And Does It Even Matter?)</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/how-i-quit-smoking" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How I Quit Smoking For Good</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="pain">Long-Term Motivation Is Found in Embracing the Struggles of Life</h2>
|
||
<p>Here’s a brutal truth I’ve learned over the years: it’s not about what you want in life, but about <a href="https://markmanson.net/question" target="_blank" rel="noopener">what you’re willing to struggle for</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>Lasting motivation doesn’t come from chasing shiny objects and grand visions; it comes from embracing the blood, sweat, and tears that inevitably come with pursuing something meaningful.</p>
|
||
<p>So, instead of daydreaming about the end result, ask yourself this crucial question: what am I willing to endure for the <a href="https://markmanson.net/personal-values" target="_blank" rel="noopener">values I hold dear</a>? Because the reality is, if you’re not ready to struggle for it, you probably don’t want it in the first place.</p>
|
||
<p>You see, life is a series of trade-offs, and true motivation is born when you decide that the struggle is worth it. It’s easy to say you want to be fit, wealthy, or successful, but are you willing to put in the hard work, face rejection, and experience <a href="https://markmanson.net/why-you-fail" target="_blank" rel="noopener">failure</a> along the way?</p>
|
||
<p>If the answer is yes, then congratulations! You’ve discovered the secret of long-term, durable motivation.</p>
|
||
<p>By focusing on the values and the process, rather than the end goal, you’ll find that motivation becomes a natural side effect of the journey. You’ll start to see setbacks as learning opportunities, and your desire to grow and improve will only intensify.</p>
|
||
<p>So, forget about what you want, and ask yourself what you’re willing to struggle for. Because that, my friend, is where the true magic of motivation lies.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>More Articles on Embracing the Pain</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/question" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The Most Important Question of Your Life</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/five-ideas-can-change-your-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">5 Simple Ideas That Can Change Your Life</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/on-rock-music-and-writing" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">On Rock Music and Writing: The Fight to Stay Creative in the Face of Success</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/why-growth-requires-struggle" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Why Growth Requires Struggle</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/resilience" target="_blank" rel="noopener">5 Ways to Build Resilience and Conquer Adversity</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="identity">Procrastination and Our Identities</h2>
|
||
<p>Procrastination: that pesky, annoying habit that we all know too well. But what if I told you that procrastination isn’t just about laziness or poor time management?</p>
|
||
<p>At its core, procrastination is actually about <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-stop-procrastinating" target="_blank" rel="noopener">avoiding something that threatens our very identity</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>You see, we all have this self-image that we’re deeply attached to, and when a task or goal challenges that image, our brain goes into panic mode, doing anything it can to keep us safe from the perceived threat. So, we avoid, we distract, and we put things off—all in the name of self-preservation.</p>
|
||
<p>Addressing this requires redefining yourself in <a href="https://markmanson.net/why-you-should-care-about-many-things" target="_blank" rel="noopener">broader, more flexible ways</a>. Instead of clinging to a rigid, narrow identity, try embracing the complexity of who you are.</p>
|
||
<p>For example, let’s say you identify as a <a href="https://markmanson.net/perfectionism" target="_blank" rel="noopener">perfectionist</a>, and you’re terrified of making mistakes. Rather than letting that fear hold you back, redefine yourself as someone who values <a href="https://markmanson.net/lifelong-learning" target="_blank" rel="noopener">learning</a> and growth. This shift allows you to see failure not as a threat to your identity, but as an essential part of becoming the person you want to be.</p>
|
||
<p>By making room for the full spectrum of human experience—<a href="https://markmanson.net/5-mindsets-that-create-success" target="_blank" rel="noopener">successes</a>, failures, and everything in between—you’ll find that procrastination loses its grip on you. So, go on, break free from the chains of your self-imposed identity, and watch as procrastination fades away, replaced by a newfound sense of <a href="https://markmanson.net/life-purpose" target="_blank" rel="noopener">purpose</a> and drive.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>More Articles on Diversifying Your Identity</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/the-limits-of-belief" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The Power (and Limitations) of Self-Belief</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/limiting-beliefs" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">How to Overcome Your Limiting Beliefs</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/stop-trying-to-change-yourself" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Stop Trying to Change Yourself</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/why-you-fail" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">10 Reasons Why You Fail</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/5-common-beliefs" target="_blank" rel="noopener">5 Common Beliefs That Can Subtly Screw You Over</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/perfectionism" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Get Over Perfectionism</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/self-help" target="_blank" rel="noopener">5 Problems With the Self-Help Industry</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="more-articles">All Articles on Motivation</h2>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Read More on Motivation</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/why-growth-requires-struggle'>Why Growth Requires Struggle</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/the-limits-of-belief'>The Power (and Limitations) of Self-Belief</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/delayed-gratification'>How to Delay Gratification</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/how-to-be-confident'>The Only Way to Be Confident</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/perfectionism'>How to Get Over Perfectionism</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-better'>How to Feel Better</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/limiting-beliefs'>How to Overcome Your Limiting Beliefs</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/5-common-beliefs'>5 Common Beliefs That Can Subtly Screw You Over</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/resilience'>5 Ways to Build Resilience and Conquer Adversity</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/self-esteem'>How to Build Self-Esteem (And Does It Even Matter?)</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/five-ideas-can-change-your-life'>5 Simple Ideas That Can Change Your Life</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-motivated'>How to Get Motivated: The “Do Something” Principle</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/5-mindsets-that-create-success'>5 Mindsets That Create Success</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/self-discipline'>If Self-Discipline Feels Difficult, Then You're Doing It Wrong</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/stop-trying-to-change-yourself'>Stop Trying to Change Yourself</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/on-rock-music-and-writing'>On Rock Music and Writing: The Fight to Stay Creative in the Face of Success</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/creative-advantages-of-ignorance'>The Creative Advantages of Ignorance</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/paradox-of-success'>The Paradox of Success</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/goals'>Why Goals Are Overrated (And What to Do Instead)</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/breakthrough-fallacy'>The Breakthrough Fallacy—What Change Actually Looks Like</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/question'>The Most Important Question of Your Life</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/self-help'>5 Problems With the Self-Help Industry</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/why-you-fail'>10 Reasons Why You Fail</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/how-i-quit-smoking'>How I Quit Smoking For Good</a></li></ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
]]></content:encoded>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</item>
|
||
<item>
|
||
<title>An Unconventional Guide to Happiness</title>
|
||
<link>https://markmanson.net/unconventional-happiness</link>
|
||
|
||
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Mark Manson]]></dc:creator>
|
||
<pubDate>Tue, 01 Nov 2022 04:01:02 +0000</pubDate>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Happiness]]></category>
|
||
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://markmanson.net/?p=411087</guid>
|
||
|
||
<description><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">Every day, we're bombarded with messages telling us that we <em>need</em> to be happy all the time—and that, in order to be happy, we need the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect life. And we're made to think that anything less than perfect happiness is a failure.</p>
|
||
<p>But the reality is that happiness is not a destination. It's not something that we can achieve by ticking off a list of accomplishments or acquiring more and more possessions. Happiness cannot be found outside ourselves.</p>
|
||
<p>Rather, happiness is a journey, and it's one that we have to actively choose every day.</p>
|
||
<p>Let's start at the beginning.</p>
|
||
|
||
<ul class="toc-list">
|
||
<li>What Happiness Is—And What It's Not</li>
|
||
<li>What Makes People Happy?</li>
|
||
<li>The Conventional Path to Happiness</li>
|
||
<li>The Unconventional Path to Happiness</li>
|
||
<li>All Articles on Happiness</li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<p>What Happiness Is—And What It's Not<br>
|
||
Researchers tend to focus on two major components of happiness:</p>
|
||
<ol>
|
||
<li>A subjective feeling of well-being. Essentially, what is your daily emotional life like? Notice it's not "the subjective state of feeling good all the time" (more on that below). It's about experiencing feelings that are</li>
|
||
</ol>
|
||
<p> …</p>
|
||
]]></description>
|
||
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">Every day, we’re bombarded with messages telling us that we <em>need</em> to be happy all the time—and that, in order to be happy, we need the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect life. And we’re made to think that anything less than perfect happiness is a failure.</p>
|
||
<p>But the reality is that happiness is not a destination. It’s not something that we can achieve by ticking off a list of accomplishments or acquiring more and more possessions. Happiness cannot be found outside ourselves.</p>
|
||
<p>Rather, happiness is a journey, and it’s one that we have to actively choose every day.</p>
|
||
<p>Let’s start at the beginning.</p>
|
||
<div class="toc-container">
|
||
<h4>Table of Contents</h4>
|
||
<ul class="toc-list">
|
||
<li><a href="#what-happiness-is">What Happiness Is—And What It’s Not</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#what-makes-people-happy">What Makes People Happy?</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#conventional-happiness">The Conventional Path to Happiness</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#unconventional-happiness">The Unconventional Path to Happiness</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#more-articles">All Articles on Happiness</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="what-happiness-is">What Happiness Is—And What It’s Not</h2>
|
||
<p>Researchers tend to focus on two major components of happiness:</p>
|
||
<ol>
|
||
<li><strong>A subjective feeling of well-being</strong>. Essentially, what is your daily emotional life like? Notice it’s not “the subjective state of feeling good all the time” (more on that below). It’s about experiencing feelings that are more complex than simple pleasure—things like <a href="https://markmanson.net/shut-up-and-be-grateful" target="_blank" rel="noopener">gratitude</a>, <a href="https://markmanson.net/joy-and-meaning" target="_blank" rel="noopener">joy</a>, and meaning.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-1" id="refmark-1"><sup>1</sup></a></li>
|
||
<li><strong>Satisfaction with one’s life</strong>. When you take a step back and look at your life as a whole, are you content with how things have gone so far? Have you taken the risks that were worth taking to you? If so, even if they didn’t pan out, are you glad you did?</li>
|
||
</ol>
|
||
<p>So in the academic sense, happiness involves some combination of subjective well-being and having a sense of <a href="https://markmanson.net/life-purpose" target="_blank" rel="noopener">purpose</a> and <a href="https://markmanson.net/the-meaning-of-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">meaning</a> in your life.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-2" id="refmark-2"><sup>2</sup></a></p>
|
||
<p>There are, of course, a multitude of ways one can try to accomplish these things to be happier—<a href="https://markmanson.net/3-core-components-of-a-healthy-relationship" target="_blank" rel="noopener">solid relationships</a>, staying physically and <a href="https://markmanson.net/managing-your-mental-health" target="_blank" rel="noopener">mentally healthy</a>, <a href="https://markmanson.net/find-what-you-love" target="_blank" rel="noopener">finding meaningful work</a>, and so on.</p>
|
||
<p>And that’s all well and good and helpful, but I think it’s just as useful to look at what happiness <em>is not.</em></p>
|
||
<p>So here’s my take on that.</p>
|
||
<h3>Happiness is not the absence of negative emotions</h3>
|
||
<p>We often think of happiness as the opposite of sadness, anger, or anxiety. But the truth is that <a href="https://markmanson.net/five-ideas-can-change-your-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">negative emotions are a natural part of life</a>, and they can even contribute to our overall happiness.</p>
|
||
<p>Without negative emotions, we wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the positive ones.</p>
|
||
<p>Happiness is not about feeling good all the time, but about learning to <a href="https://markmanson.net/understanding-your-emotions" target="_blank" rel="noopener">accept and manage the full range of emotions</a> that we experience.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Related Articles</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/understanding-your-emotions" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Understand Your Emotions</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/why-you-shouldnt-trust-emotions" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Why You Shouldn’t Trust Your Emotions</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/trigger-warning" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Trigger Warning: Reality Hurts</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-from-your-pain" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Grow From Your Pain</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/6-books-to-grow-from-your-pain" target="_blank" rel="noopener">6 Books That Will Help You Grow From Your Pain</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h3>Happiness is not success</h3>
|
||
<p>We often think that happiness is something that we can achieve by ticking off a list of accomplishments or acquiring more and more possessions.</p>
|
||
<p>But the truth is that success and happiness are not the same thing. Success can bring temporary satisfaction, but <a href="https://markmanson.net/paradox-of-success" target="_blank" rel="noopener">it’s not sustainable</a> in the long term.</p>
|
||
<p>Happiness is about finding meaning and purpose in our lives, and pursuing the things that matter to us with passion and dedication. That might not be the same thing as what society deems successful.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Related Articles</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/do-we-ever-feel-we-have-enough" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Do We Ever Feel Like We Have Enough?</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/this-is-water" target="_blank" rel="noopener">This Is Water</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/insecurity" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How Your Insecurity Is Bought and Sold</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/doubt" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Why It Can Be Good to Doubt Yourself</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h3>Happiness is not a fixed state</h3>
|
||
<p>We often think of happiness as something that we can achieve and then maintain indefinitely. But happiness is actually a dynamic state that requires ongoing effort and commitment.</p>
|
||
<p>We have to actively cultivate happiness in our lives by focusing on the things that bring us joy, connecting with others, and engaging in activities that give us a sense of purpose and fulfillment.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-3" id="refmark-3"><sup>3</sup></a></p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Related Articles</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/joy-and-meaning" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Simple Joys Are the Most Meaningful</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/wanderlust" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Wanderlust</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/the-best-parts-of-travel" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Best Parts of Travel Are the Things You Don’t Remember</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/regret" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Deal With Regret</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/hate-yourself" target="_blank" rel="noopener">9 Steps to Hating Yourself a Little Less</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h3>Happiness is not something that we can find outside of ourselves</h3>
|
||
<p>We often think of happiness as something that can be achieved by changing our external circumstances. But happiness is an internal state that comes from within.</p>
|
||
<p>We have to learn to accept ourselves and our lives as they are, and focus on the things that we can control.</p>
|
||
<p>When we cultivate a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the present moment, we can start to experience happiness in even <a href="https://markmanson.net/resilience" target="_blank" rel="noopener">the most challenging of circumstances</a>.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Related Articles</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/shut-up-and-be-grateful" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Shut Up and Be Grateful</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/everything-you-need" target="_blank" rel="noopener">You Already Have Everything You Need</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/the-once-in-a-lifetime-paradox" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The “Once in a Lifetime” Paradox</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/9-subtle-lies-we-all-tell-ourselves" target="_blank" rel="noopener">9 Subtle Lies We All Tell Ourselves</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/youre-okay" target="_blank" rel="noopener">You’re Okay</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/fear-of-missing-out" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Complete Guide to Getting Over FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p><span class="meDqX9Z9OL1tZub5y7jmcbTPwz363oGnPvaG8LRgBOC4pxA502Fh4liB1EWVdM6zfADEtsiueWYfXNyKJ7hkTjIcQnop"></p>
|
||
<div class="video-container"><iframe title="Mark Manson Answers Questions On Happiness" width="500" height="281" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/0IZ7x8Wozuk?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
|
||
<p></span></p>
|
||
<h2 id="what-makes-people-happy">What Makes People Happy?</h2>
|
||
<p>So now that we know what happiness is and what it’s not, what <em>does</em> make us happy?</p>
|
||
<p>Well, while there’s no “formula” for happiness, there are a handful of areas in life that seem to affect happiness for almost everyone.</p>
|
||
<p>The details will change from person to person, but it’s clear that most people need some combination of the following to lead truly happy lives.</p>
|
||
<h3>Healthy Relationships</h3>
|
||
<p>Humans, for the most part, are strange when you step back and really take a good look.</p>
|
||
<p>Compared to a lot of other animals, we’re small, weak, slow, and very, very naked.</p>
|
||
<p>And yet, for better or worse, we dominate the world like no other creature ever has.</p>
|
||
<p>And that’s due to our ability to act in groups—that is, it’s our social nature that sets us apart. Cooperation through scalable sociability is one of, if not <em>the</em> defining feature of our species.</p>
|
||
<p>And just like a beaver must build a dam to truly express his beaverness, humans must form social bonds to fully express our humanity.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-4" id="refmark-4"><sup>4</sup></a></p>
|
||
<p>We thrive on social connections and interactions. Cultivating healthy and positive<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-5" id="refmark-5"><sup>5</sup></a> relationships with <a href="https://markmanson.net/what-real-friends-look-like" target="_blank" rel="noopener">friends</a>, <a href="https://markmanson.net/parents" target="_blank" rel="noopener">family</a>, and <a href="https://markmanson.net/relationship-advice" target="_blank" rel="noopener">romantic partners</a> can add to our happiness and fulfillment.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-6" id="refmark-6"><sup>6</sup></a></p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Related Articles</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/most-people-are-good" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Why We Forget That Most People Are Good</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/playing-guitar" target="_blank" rel="noopener">5 Life Lessons I Learned From Playing Guitar</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h3>A Sense of Purpose and Meaning</h3>
|
||
<p>How do you fit into the larger world? What are you contributing to it? How are you making a difference in the lives of others?</p>
|
||
<p>When we have a sense of direction and purpose in our lives, we feel a greater sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. This can come from pursuing meaningful work,<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-7" id="refmark-7"><sup>7</sup></a> engaging in activities that we enjoy, or contributing to a cause that we care about.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-8" id="refmark-8"><sup>8</sup></a></p>
|
||
<p>This doesn’t have to be world-changing either. In fact, the biggest impact virtually anyone can have is immediately around them. Help a friend or neighbor or stranger even. Volunteer in your local community. Donate a few dollars<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-9" id="refmark-9"><sup>9</sup></a> to a local charity when you can.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Related Articles</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/why-self-awareness-is-sexy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Why Self-Awareness Is Sexy</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/hidden-costs-of-happiness" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Hidden Costs of Happiness</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/the-guide-to-being-miserable" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Guide to Being Miserable</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h3>Physical and Mental Health</h3>
|
||
<p>Engaging in regular exercise,<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-10" id="refmark-10"><sup>10</sup></a> eating a healthy and balanced diet,<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-11" id="refmark-11"><sup>11</sup></a> and getting enough sleep<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-12" id="refmark-12"><sup>12</sup></a> can all contribute to a greater sense of well-being and happiness. We all know this by now.</p>
|
||
<p>And you are what you consume, but that doesn’t just apply to the food you eat.</p>
|
||
<p>Just like a good diet of healthy foods improves your physical well-being, a good mental diet will improve your mental well-being.</p>
|
||
<p>I’ve written about how <a href="https://markmanson.net/why-you-should-quit-the-news" target="_blank" rel="noopener">quitting the news</a> can have a profound impact on your day-to-day mental health. The same is true of trashy TV and <a href="https://markmanson.net/social-media" target="_blank" rel="noopener">mindless social media scrolling</a>.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Related Articles</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/managing-your-mental-health" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Manage Your Mental Health</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/5-books-for-dealing-with-anxiety-and-depression" target="_blank" rel="noopener">5 Best Books for Dealing With Anxiety and Depression</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/therapy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Do You Need Therapy?</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-overcome-loneliness" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Overcome Loneliness</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h3>Stable Finances</h3>
|
||
<p>Everyone seems to accept that “<a href="https://markmanson.net/the-real-value-of-money" target="_blank" rel="noopener">money</a> can’t buy happiness”—and ultimately, that’s true. But it’s not quite that straightforward.</p>
|
||
<p>Allow me to explain.</p>
|
||
<p>Having a certain level of financial security <em>can</em> contribute to our overall happiness. When we don’t have to worry about bills or what will happen if life, well, screws us (and life will screw us at some point), we can breathe a little easier and not be so stressed out all the time.</p>
|
||
<p>But studies have shown that beyond a certain point, additional income and wealth have diminishing returns on our sense of happiness and well-being.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-13" id="refmark-13"><sup>13</sup></a></p>
|
||
<p>So money cuts both ways when it comes to happiness in that 1) not having enough money to take care of yourself and/or your family can be stressful and lead to less happiness in your life; and 2) at a certain point, obsessing over making more money will only lead to more stress, and therefore less happiness, in your life.</p>
|
||
<p>So, how can we be happier in our lives?</p>
|
||
<p>Allow me to present two broad answers to this: a conventional one, and a not-so-conventional one.</p>
|
||
<h2 id="conventional-happiness">The Conventional Path to Happiness</h2>
|
||
<p>There’s no shortage of articles and books out there explaining how to be happier. Most of them involve some combination of improving the following areas of your life:</p>
|
||
<ol>
|
||
<li>Your relationships.</li>
|
||
<li>Your physical and mental health.</li>
|
||
<li>Your job and financial situation.</li>
|
||
</ol>
|
||
<p>There’s a lot of merit in this advice. Working on these things will definitely help you lead a happier life—but for slightly different reasons than most people think.</p>
|
||
<p>You see, these things—relationships, health, your job/finances—are mostly prerequisites for <em>not being miserable</em>. That’s not the same thing as being truly happy, but you can’t be happy if <a href="https://markmanson.net/the-guide-to-being-miserable" target="_blank" rel="noopener">you’re miserable</a>, so it makes sense.</p>
|
||
<p>So yes, get your shit together:</p>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><strong>Cut out </strong><a href="https://markmanson.net/toxic-relationship-signs" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><strong>toxic relationships</strong></a> from your life and spend time with people you truly enjoy and who love and support you.</li>
|
||
<li><strong>Get a grip on your physical health</strong>. Eat right, move your body, and get some damn sleep already.</li>
|
||
<li><strong>Get a grip on </strong><a href="https://markmanson.net/managing-your-mental-health" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><strong>your mental health</strong></a>. <a href="https://markmanson.net/why-you-should-quit-the-news" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Quit the news</a>. Stop doom scrolling. Turn off the screens. Practice some <a href="https://markmanson.net/self-awareness" target="_blank" rel="noopener">self-awareness</a>. <a href="https://markmanson.net/benefits-of-meditation" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Meditate</a>. Get <a href="https://markmanson.net/therapy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">therapy</a> if you need to.</li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-find-the-perfect-career" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><strong>Find a job</strong></a><strong> that doesn’t suck the soul right out of your eye sockets</strong> while still allowing you to pay bills and enjoy life a little too.</li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<p>If your life is a mess in one or more of these areas, of course you’re not going to be all that happy most of the time. So yes, getting these things figured out will almost certainly increase your levels of happiness on a day-to-day basis.</p>
|
||
<p>But there’s a whole other side to happiness that isn’t discussed very often.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>More Articles on Conventional Happiness</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-make-the-most-of-it" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Make the Most of It</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/everyone-is-the-same" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Everyone Is Mostly the Same… (And Why This Is Good News)</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/the-paradox-of-progress" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Paradox of Progress</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/being-average" target="_blank" rel="noopener">In Defense of Being Average</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="unconventional-happiness">The Unconventional Path to Happiness</h2>
|
||
<p>I’ve found that beyond improving your life in the above tangible ways, there are some counterintuitive, paradoxical ways you can reach a truly new level of contentment and peace in your life.</p>
|
||
<p>Hear me out.</p>
|
||
<h3>Keep Death in Mind—Every Single Day</h3>
|
||
<p>Let’s start with your own mortality.</p>
|
||
<p>Not a cheery subject, I know, but stay with me here.</p>
|
||
<p>Death gives life its meaning. When you’re reminded that this is all temporary—that everything you know and love and care about will all be taken away one day—you’re forced to choose what’s important to you <em>right now</em>.</p>
|
||
<p>Put another way, our finite time on this planet forces us to <a href="https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck" target="_blank" rel="noopener">choose what we give a fuck about</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>In the shadow of your own death, all the frivolity of life melts away. Your material possessions, all your external success and accomplishments, the fact that the barista messed up your coffee order—none of it really matters when you think about how you’ll be rotting in your grave for far longer than you’ll be alive.</p>
|
||
<p>Instead, when life is viewed through the lens of death, what <em>does</em> matter becomes crystal clear: spending a few extra moments with people you love; helping others because you recognize we’ve all been thrown into this cosmic accident together; or simply just reveling in the fact—the miracle, really—that you’re even alive.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Related Articles</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/the-uncomfortable-truth" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Uncomfortable Truth</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/the-bad-acid-trip" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Bad Acid Trip</a> <i>(Premium subscribers only)</i></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h3>Embrace Your Flaws</h3>
|
||
<p>A lot of people focused on “improvement” are trying to change something they dislike about themselves.</p>
|
||
<p>And while I think <a href="https://markmanson.net/self-improvement" target="_blank" rel="noopener">self-improvement</a> is a noble pursuit, the end goal should be to <a href="https://markmanson.net/the-point-is-to-stop" target="_blank" rel="noopener">stop at some point</a> so you can move on to more important things <em>outside</em> of yourself.</p>
|
||
<p>When we’re so focused on “fixing” ourselves, we neglect to develop some of our more redeeming qualities.</p>
|
||
<p>Others focus so much on the “self” in “self-improvement” that they become narcissistic and begin to neglect other important areas in their lives.</p>
|
||
<p>Many other people are driven to improve themselves for the sake of others—impressing them, getting them to like them, showing the world they can meet some arbitrary standard they’ve set.</p>
|
||
<p>Rarely in this process do people stop to think about what would actually make them happier and <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-overcome-your-demons" target="_blank" rel="noopener">more at peace with themselves</a>, flaws and all.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Related Articles</h5>
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</header>
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<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-overcome-your-demons" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How to Overcome Your Demons</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/shame" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Best Way to Resolve Your Shame</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/when-you-are-your-own-worst-enemy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">When You Are Your Own Worst Enemy</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/benefits-of-being-slightly-crazy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Surprising Benefits of Being (Slightly) Crazy</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h3>Fail—Hard</h3>
|
||
<p>In 1910, Teddy Roosevelt gave what would become a famous speech called, <em>The Man in the Arena</em>.<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-14" id="refmark-14"><sup>14</sup></a> He admonished the audience to stop being cynical spectators and instead put their own asses on the line:</p>
|
||
<blockquote><p>It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.</p>
|
||
<footer>—<cite>Theodore Roosevelt</cite></footer>
|
||
</blockquote>
|
||
<p>What Roosevelt recognized is that most people equate failure with misery—so much so that they avoid failing at all costs and instead commentate from the sidelines to make themselves feel better about their inaction.</p>
|
||
<p>“Risk” is a dirty word to them, so they <a href="https://markmanson.net/risk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">don’t take any</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>The thought of feeling like a bumbling idiot of a beginner is so anxiety-inducing that they always play it safe—no new jobs, no new hobbies, no new ideas to ponder even.</p>
|
||
<p>An abject, all-consuming fear of rejection keeps many from putting themselves out there to make new friends or <a href="https://markmanson.net/guide-to-modern-dating" target="_blank" rel="noopener">date new people</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>And yet, it’s exactly these kinds of failures we must risk—and inevitably endure—to be truly happy.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Related Articles</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/things-arent-as-bad" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Why Things Are Never as Bad as They Seem</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/worst-moments-of-your-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">63 Steps to Survive the Worst Moments of Your Life</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/the-wisdom-of-surfing" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Wisdom of Surfing</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h3>Stop Trying to Be Happy</h3>
|
||
<p>Happiness operates on the principles of what I call “<a href="https://markmanson.net/the-backwards-law" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Backwards Law</a>,” which states:</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<p><strong>With any action that is purely psychological—an experience that exists solely within our own consciousness—there is an inverse relationship between effort and reward.</strong></p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p>Put another way, the harder you try to change an internal state, the harder it will be to actually achieve such changes.</p>
|
||
<p>This is because <em>desiring</em> a positive experience is itself a negative experience, while <em>accepting</em> a negative experience is a positive experience.</p>
|
||
<p>So in terms of being happy, <em>trying</em> to be happy only highlights all the ways that you’re <em>un</em>happy. On the other hand, accepting that life is full of <em>unhappy </em>moments allows you to accept them as they are and appreciate the happy moments more when they come along.</p>
|
||
<p>So <a href="https://markmanson.net/stop-trying-to-be-happy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">stop trying</a> so damn hard. Stop trying to find the holy grail of happiness. Stop trying to optimize everything in your life in the hopes it will make you happy.</p>
|
||
<p>Stop. And just start living your life.</p>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Related Articles</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/the-backwards-law" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Backwards Law—Why the Best Things in Life Must Be Let Go</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/stop-trying-to-be-happy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Stop Trying to Be Happy</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/happiness-is-the-wrong-question" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Happiness Is the Wrong Question</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/why-happiness-is-overrated" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Why Happiness Is Overrated</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="https://markmanson.net/feedback-loop-from-hell" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Feedback Loop From Hell</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<h2 id="more-articles">All Articles on Happiness</h2>
|
||
<div class="content-box">
|
||
<header>
|
||
<h5>Read More on Happiness</h5>
|
||
</header>
|
||
<ul><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/trigger-warning'>Trigger Warning: Reality Hurts</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/everyone-is-the-same'>Everyone Is Mostly the Same... (And Why This Is Good News)</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/hate-yourself'>9 Steps to Hating Yourself a Little Less</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/how-to-overcome-your-demons'>How to Overcome Your Demons</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/most-people-are-good'>Why We Forget That Most People Are Good</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/happiness-is-the-wrong-question'>Happiness Is the Wrong Question</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/the-once-in-a-lifetime-paradox'>The "Once in a Lifetime" Paradox</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/when-you-are-your-own-worst-enemy'>When You Are Your Own Worst Enemy</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/things-arent-as-bad'>Why Things Are Never as Bad as They Seem</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/shame'>The Best Way to Resolve Your Shame</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/how-to-overcome-loneliness'>How to Overcome Loneliness</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/understanding-your-emotions'>How to Understand Your Emotions</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/how-to-make-the-most-of-it'>How to Make the Most of It</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/5-books-for-dealing-with-anxiety-and-depression'>5 Best Books for Dealing With Anxiety and Depression</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/6-books-to-grow-from-your-pain'>6 Books That Will Help You Grow From Your Pain</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/regret'>How to Deal With Regret</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/the-best-parts-of-travel'>The Best Parts of Travel Are the Things You Don't Remember</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/managing-your-mental-health'>How to Manage Your Mental Health</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/the-paradox-of-progress'>The Paradox of Progress</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/the-uncomfortable-truth'>The Uncomfortable Truth</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/the-backwards-law'>The Backwards Law—Why the Best Things in Life Must Be Let Go</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/why-you-shouldnt-trust-emotions'>Why You Shouldn't Trust Your Emotions</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/fear-of-missing-out'>The Complete Guide to Getting Over FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-from-your-pain'>How to Grow From Your Pain</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/why-happiness-is-overrated'>Why Happiness Is Overrated</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/benefits-of-being-slightly-crazy'>The Surprising Benefits of Being (Slightly) Crazy</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/do-we-ever-feel-we-have-enough'>Do We Ever Feel Like We Have Enough?</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/how-to-be-happy'>How to Be Happy</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/feedback-loop-from-hell'>The Feedback Loop From Hell</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/doubt'>Why It Can Be Good to Doubt Yourself</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/insecurity'>How Your Insecurity Is Bought and Sold</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/being-average'>In Defense of Being Average</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/worst-moments-of-your-life'>63 Steps to Survive the Worst Moments of Your Life</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/hidden-costs-of-happiness'>The Hidden Costs of Happiness</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/9-subtle-lies-we-all-tell-ourselves'>9 Subtle Lies We All Tell Ourselves</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/stop-trying-to-be-happy'>Stop Trying to Be Happy</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/everything-you-need'>You Already Have Everything You Need</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/playing-guitar'>5 Life Lessons I Learned From Playing Guitar</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/the-bad-acid-trip'>The Bad Acid Trip</a> <em>(Premium subscribers only)</em></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/youre-okay'>You're Okay</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/shut-up-and-be-grateful'>Shut Up and Be Grateful</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/the-guide-to-being-miserable'>The Guide to Being Miserable</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/wanderlust'>Wanderlust</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/why-self-awareness-is-sexy'>Why Self-Awareness Is Sexy</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/therapy'>Do You Need Therapy?</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/joy-and-meaning'>The Simple Joys Are the Most Meaningful</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/the-wisdom-of-surfing'>The Wisdom of Surfing</a></li><li><a href='https://markmanson.net/this-is-water'>This Is Water</a></li></ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<div id="footnote-list" class="footnote-list" style="display:inherit">
|
||
<div class="footnotes-inner-container"><span id="fn-heading">Footnotes</span></p>
|
||
<ol>
|
||
<li id="footnote-1" class="fn-text">Diener, E., Wirtz, D., Tov, W., Kim-Prieto, C., Choi, D., Oishi, S., & Biswas-Diener, R. (2010). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s11205-009-9493-y" target="_blank" rel="noopener">New Well-being Measures: Short Scales to Assess Flourishing and Positive and Negative Feelings.</a> <i>Social Indicators Research</i>, <i>97</i>(2), 143–156.<a href="#refmark-1">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-2" class="fn-text">Kushlev, K., Heintzelman, S. J., Lutes, L. D., Wirtz, D., Kanippayoor, J. M., Leitner, D., & Diener, E. (2020). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797620919673" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Does Happiness Improve Health? Evidence From a Randomized Controlled Trial.</a> <i>Psychological Science</i>, <i>31</i>(7), 807–821.<a href="#refmark-2">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-3" class="fn-text">Forsman, A. K., Nordmyr, J., & Wahlbeck, K. (2011). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/heapro/dar074" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Psychosocial interventions for the promotion of mental health and the prevention of depression among older adults.</a> <i>Health Promotion International</i>, <i>26 Suppl 1</i>, i85-107.<a href="#refmark-3">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-4" class="fn-text">Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation.</a> <i>Psychological Bulletin</i>, <i>117</i>(3), 497–529.<a href="#refmark-4">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-5" class="fn-text">Saphire-Bernstein, S., & Taylor, S. E. (2013). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199557257.001.0001" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Close relationships and happiness.</a> In <i>The Oxford handbook of happiness</i> (pp. 821–833). Oxford University Press.<a href="#refmark-5">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-6" class="fn-text">Hudson, N. W., Lucas, R. E., & Donnellan, M. B. (2020). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000290" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Are we happier with others? An investigation of the links between spending time with others and subjective well-being.</a> <i>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology</i>, <i>119</i>, 672–694.<a href="#refmark-6">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-7" class="fn-text">Neve, J.-E. D., & Ward, G. (2017, March 20). <a href="https://hbr.org/2017/03/does-work-make-you-happy-evidence-from-the-world-happiness-report" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Does Work Make You Happy? Evidence from the World Happiness Report.</a> <i>Harvard Business Review</i>.<a href="#refmark-7">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-8" class="fn-text">Kushlev, K., Radosic, N., & Diener, E. (2022). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506211043379" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Subjective Well-Being and Prosociality Around the Globe: Happy People Give More of Their Time and Money to Others</a>. <i>Social Psychological and Personality Science</i>, <i>13</i>(4), 849–861.<a href="#refmark-8">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-9" class="fn-text">Aknin, L. B., Dunn, E. W., Proulx, J., Lok, I., & Norton, M. I. (2020). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000191" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Does spending money on others promote happiness?: A registered replication report</a>. <i>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology</i>, <i>119</i>, e15–e26.<a href="#refmark-9">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-10" class="fn-text">Wang, F., Orpana, H. M., Morrison, H., de Groh, M., Dai, S., & Luo, W. (2012). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/aje/kws199" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Long-term association between leisure-time physical activity and changes in happiness: Analysis of the Prospective National Population Health Survey.</a> <i>American Journal of Epidemiology</i>, <i>176</i>(12), 1095–1100.<a href="#refmark-10">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-11" class="fn-text">Cabiedes-Miragaya, L., Diaz-Mendez, C., & García-Espejo, I. (2021). <a href="https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18041553" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Well-Being and the Lifestyle Habits of the Spanish Population: The Association between Subjective Well-Being and Eating Habits.</a> <i>International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health</i>, <i>18</i>(4), Article 4.<a href="#refmark-11">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-12" class="fn-text">Lemola, S., Ledermann, T., & Friedman, E. M. (2013). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0071292" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Variability of Sleep Duration Is Related to Subjective Sleep Quality and Subjective Well-Being: An Actigraphy Study</a>. <i>PLOS ONE</i>, <i>8</i>(8), e71292.<a href="#refmark-12">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-13" class="fn-text">Jebb, A. T., Tay, L., Diener, E., & Oishi, S. (2018). <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41562-017-0277-0" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Happiness, income satiation and turning points around the world</a>. <i>Nature Human Behaviour</i>, <i>2</i>(1), 33.<a href="#refmark-13">↵</a></li>
|
||
<li id="footnote-14" class="fn-text">Roosevelt, T. (2015, September). <a href="https://www.airandspaceforces.com/PDF/MagazineArchive/Magazine%20Documents/2015/September%202015/0915keeperfile.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">T. R.’s “Man in the Arena.”</a> <i>Air Force Magazine</i>, 75.<a href="#refmark-14">↵</a></li>
|
||
</ol>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
]]></content:encoded>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</item>
|
||
<item>
|
||
<title>Why Growth Requires Struggle</title>
|
||
<link>https://markmanson.net/why-growth-requires-struggle</link>
|
||
|
||
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Mark Manson]]></dc:creator>
|
||
<pubDate>Mon, 10 Oct 2022 05:40:34 +0000</pubDate>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Happiness]]></category>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Motivation]]></category>
|
||
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://markmanson.net/?p=393466</guid>
|
||
|
||
<description><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">I get a lot of reader questions about pain, trauma, challenge, and struggle. Most of these questions were some variation of, “Is there such a thing as being exposed to too much pain?” or “Are there situations where pain and struggle aren’t helpful but only hurtful?” or “What about trauma? Clearly trauma is a thing.”</p>
|
||
<p>These are all great questions. And in this article, I’m going to knock them all out with a deep dive into the psychology of pain, trauma, healing, and building resilience. In the words of the great Tom Brady: let’s fucking go.</p>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<p>“This Amount of Pain Is Just Right”<br>
|
||
Everyone remembers the children’s story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You know, this porridge is too hot, this one is too cold, this one is just right.</p>
|
||
<p>Well, pain kinda works in the same way. Too much pain will lead to trauma and helplessness. Too little pain will lead to entitlement and selfishness.</p>
|
||
<p>But just the right amount of pain and struggle: that’s what allows …</p>
|
||
]]></description>
|
||
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">I get a lot of reader questions about pain, trauma, challenge, and struggle. Most of these questions were some variation of, “Is there such a thing as being exposed to too much pain?” or “Are there situations where pain and struggle aren’t helpful but only hurtful?” or “What about trauma? Clearly trauma is a thing.”</p>
|
||
<p>These are all great questions. And in this article, I’m going to knock them all out with a deep dive into the psychology of pain, trauma, healing, and building resilience. In the words of the great Tom Brady: let’s fucking go.</p>
|
||
<div class="full-width-toc-container">
|
||
<h3>Table of Contents</h3>
|
||
<ul class="full-width-toc">
|
||
<li><a href="#pain-just-right">“This Amount of Pain Is Just Right”</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#psychological-iron">Pumping Psychological Iron</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#sympathy-vs-compassion">Sympathy vs Compassion</a></li>
|
||
<li><a href="#mind-physiotherapy">Physiotherapy for the Mind</a></li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<section class="light-section content-section">
|
||
<div class="section-content">
|
||
<h2 id="pain-just-right" class="section-header" data-section-number="1">“This Amount of Pain Is Just Right”</h2>
|
||
<p>Everyone remembers the children’s story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You know, this porridge is too hot, this one is too cold, this one is just right.</p>
|
||
<p>Well, pain kinda works in the same way. Too much pain will lead to trauma and helplessness. Too little pain will lead to entitlement and selfishness.</p>
|
||
<p>But just the right amount of pain and struggle: that’s what allows us to feel a sense of accomplishment and meaning in our lives, which then builds up our sense of autonomy and <a href="https://markmanson.net/self-esteem" target="_blank" rel="noopener">self-worth</a>—the bedrock of a mentally healthy and happy person.</p>
|
||
<p>So, how do you define the Goldilocks Zone of Pain? How do you know how much pain is “just right?”</p>
|
||
<p>Generally, research finds that when we’re challenged or struggle in ways that we believe we’re capable of overcoming, those struggles eventually invigorate us and lead to a sense of meaning and accomplishment.</p>
|
||
<p>But when confronted with struggles and challenges that we feel powerless to overcome, that’s when we get demoralized, and in extreme cases, experience trauma.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</section>
|
||
<section class="light-section content-section">
|
||
<div class="section-content">
|
||
<h2 id="psychological-iron" class="section-header" data-section-number="2">Pumping Psychological Iron</h2>
|
||
<p>When it comes to understanding the value of mental and emotional struggle, perhaps the best analogy to understand it is physical exercise:</p>
|
||
<ul>
|
||
<li>If you never move your body or strain your muscles, you will become soft and weak and fragile. You’re more prone to injury. You have less physical power to keep yourself safe and healthy. In the same way, if you never mentally or emotionally challenge yourself, you will also become weak and fragile. You’ll be more easily upset and emotionally triggered by the world around you. You’ll have less psychological strength to keep yourself safe and healthy.</li>
|
||
<li>If you try to do way too much exercise—or move way too much weight—you will injure yourself. This injury will lead to chronic pain that is outside of your control and will prevent you from having <em>any </em>agency with that part of your body. Similarly, if you experience psychological struggles that overwhelm you, you’ll be traumatized—and you will experience chronic psychological pain and feel debilitated in that area (or in many areas) of your life.</li>
|
||
<li>The way to grow physically stronger is to progressively challenge your body to do slightly more difficult movements, lifts, and exercises than before. As you do this, your body adapts, becoming more resilient, more flexible, and more durable. This gives you more agency in the world and more ability to protect yourself and others. Similarly, the way to grow psychologically stronger is to progressively challenge yourself to confront experiences that are both challenging but also within your perceived ability to manage. As you do this, you will gain psychological strength and <a href="https://markmanson.net/resilience" target="_blank" rel="noopener">resilience</a>, allowing you to have more agency in the world and remain healthy and resilient to whatever life throws at you.</li>
|
||
</ul>
|
||
<p>Throughout history, people erred on the side of subjecting each other to more pain. This is because most of human history fucking blew. War, famine, plagues, slavery, tyranny were the norms of the human condition, not the exception. So people were hard on their kids, hard on each other, and had little sympathy.</p>
|
||
<p>This changed about a hundred years ago with the rise of Freud and widespread acceptance of psychology. These days, you could argue that in some ways, we are probably too soft. And the reason I think this happens is a confusion between sympathy and compassion.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</section>
|
||
<section class="light-section content-section">
|
||
<div class="section-content">
|
||
<h2 id="sympathy-vs-compassion" class="section-header" data-section-number="3">Sympathy vs Compassion</h2>
|
||
<p>I believe the problem today can be summed up simply: people mistake sympathy for compassion.</p>
|
||
<p>Sympathy is feeling bad for someone and wishing they didn’t feel so bad.</p>
|
||
<p>Sympathy is noble on the surface (“people should suffer less!”) but can often end up being subtly self-serving (“people should suffer less because I don’t want to feel bad for them anymore.”)</p>
|
||
<p>Compassion is similar to sympathy but different in an important way.</p>
|
||
<p>Like sympathy, compassion begins with feeling bad for someone. But instead of simply wanting the person’s suffering to go away, compassion involves someone who is willing to suffer alongside that person so that they may overcome their challenges.</p>
|
||
<p>Sympathy is sending flowers and a card to a friend when a parent dies. Compassion is driving to their house and holding them as they cry.</p>
|
||
<p>Sympathy is letting a screaming child have that toy they want so they’ll stop screaming. Compassion is letting them cry because you know they will be better off once they understand that they can’t always get what they want.</p>
|
||
<p>Sympathy is changing your profile picture on social media for whatever the new cause du jour is. Compassion is actually giving time or money to victims, listening to their stories, helping them rebuild their lives.</p>
|
||
<p>Sympathy is a good thing. We need it in the world. But it’s also easy. It’s short-term and short-sighted. It’s an, “Aw, I feel bad for him.” Sympathy is focused on the feeling rather than the person. “I hope they feel better.”</p>
|
||
<p>Compassion is about the person. “I don’t just hope they feel better, I hope they <em>become </em>better.” Therefore, compassion is more involved. It takes more effort—both mental and emotional.</p>
|
||
<p>Sympathy is trying to remove as much strain and struggle as possible. Compassion is trying to help a person <a href="https://markmanson.net/five-ideas-can-change-your-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">move through a manageable amount of struggle</a> so they can grow into a better person.</p>
|
||
<p>I believe that as a culture we’re over-optimized for sympathy and under-optimized for compassion. This is probably largely social media’s fault, <a href="https://markmanson.net/social-media" target="_blank" rel="noopener">but not entirely</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>Sympathy is easy to communicate online. It’s also easy to see sympathy communicated between others. Compassion is like sarcasm, it is not communicated well online. It’s also harder to recognize between others.</p>
|
||
<p>We’re probably also over-optimized for sympathy because it’s easier to measure and study. It’s relatively easy to measure how good/bad a person feels. It’s incredibly difficult to measure whether someone has grown or not.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</section>
|
||
<section class="light-section content-section">
|
||
<div class="section-content">
|
||
<h2 id="mind-physiotherapy" class="section-header" data-section-number="4">Physiotherapy for the Mind</h2>
|
||
<p>To keep our exercise metaphor going, when we injure our body, how do we heal and become better?</p>
|
||
<p>With a combination of medicine and physiotherapy, body parts are eventually able to heal, regain function, and eventually become stronger. But it’s a long, painful process.</p>
|
||
<p>When confronting trauma, much like physiotherapy, you have to introduce tiny amounts of challenge extremely gradually. If you broke your back, you wouldn’t get up and run a marathon.</p>
|
||
<p>The goal is to first get up and take a step. Then two steps. Then walk down the hall. The marathon is likely not an option without years of consistent effort.</p>
|
||
<p>The problem is that psychological trauma is much more difficult to diagnose than a physical injury.</p>
|
||
<p>It’s difficult to tell the depth and scope of one’s emotional pain. It doesn’t help that the definition of trauma has pretty much expanded to include anyone who is emotionally triggered by anything, no matter how mundane or irrelevant. Therefore, it’s often difficult to know exactly what is just enough challenge for that person to heal and what is too much. This is why <a href="https://markmanson.net/self-awareness" target="_blank" rel="noopener">self-awareness</a> is so important.</p>
|
||
<p>And this doesn’t even get into managing the emotional side of growth—i.e., how to better handle our emotions <em>after </em>we’ve been triggered and become incredibly hurt and upset.</p>
|
||
<p>If you’re interested in more on these subjects, you can check out Chapter 7 of my book <a href="https://markmanson.net/books/everything-is-fucked" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><i>Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope</i></a> for an even deeper understanding of pain and struggle and how it operates in the mind.</p>
|
||
<p> </p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</section>
|
||
]]></content:encoded>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</item>
|
||
<item>
|
||
<title>Trigger Warning: Reality Hurts</title>
|
||
<link>https://markmanson.net/trigger-warning</link>
|
||
|
||
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Mark Manson]]></dc:creator>
|
||
<pubDate>Wed, 07 Sep 2022 06:03:25 +0000</pubDate>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Happiness]]></category>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Motivation]]></category>
|
||
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://markmanson.net/?p=393164</guid>
|
||
|
||
<description><![CDATA[<section class="stag-section stag-intro-text">
|
||
<p><span class="stag-dropcap stag-dropcap--squared" style="font-size:125px;line-height:125px;width:125px;height:125px;">Y</span>ears ago, many readers wrote to me complaining that I didn’t include trigger warnings in my articles. This was 2014-15 or so. The trigger warning thing had become popular on university campuses and left-leaning news sites. Given that at the time many of my readers were young students, an expectation arose that I would follow suit.</p>
|
||
</section>
|
||
<p>Yet, I refused (and still do). Back then, this caused a lot of headaches for me and made sifting through my inbox feel like playing hopscotch in a minefield. “How could you not?” readers would write, exasperated. “I thought you <em>cared </em>about mental health issues.” Well, yes I do… which is why I don’t use them.</p>
|
||
<p>I remember when I was struggling and broke in my 20s, a family friend bought his daughter—who was a couple of years younger than me—her own house. One day, joking around with my dad, I said to him, “You know dad, if you really loved me, you’d buy me a house too.” He quickly replied, “No Mark, it’s <em>because</em> I love you, that I would never buy you a house.”</p>
|
||
<p>To me, it felt as though readers were coming at me saying, “If …</p>
|
||
]]></description>
|
||
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<section class="stag-section stag-intro-text"><p><span class="stag-dropcap stag-dropcap--squared" style="font-size:125px;line-height:125px;width:125px;height:125px;">Y</span>ears ago, many readers wrote to me complaining that I didn’t include trigger warnings in my articles. This was 2014-15 or so. The trigger warning thing had become popular on university campuses and left-leaning news sites. Given that at the time many of my readers were young students, an expectation arose that I would follow suit.</p>
|
||
</section>
|
||
<p>Yet, I refused (and still do). Back then, this caused a lot of headaches for me and made sifting through my inbox feel like playing hopscotch in a minefield. “How could you not?” readers would write, exasperated. “I thought you <em>cared </em>about mental health issues.” Well, <a href="https://markmanson.net/managing-your-mental-health" target="_blank" rel="noopener">yes I do</a>… which is why I don’t use them.</p>
|
||
<p>I remember when I was struggling and broke in my 20s, a family friend bought his daughter—who was a couple of years younger than me—her own house. One day, joking around with my dad, I said to him, “You know dad, if you really loved me, you’d buy me a house too.” He quickly replied, “No Mark, it’s <em>because</em> I love you, that I would never buy you a house.”</p>
|
||
<p>To me, it felt as though readers were coming at me saying, “If you loved us, you’d protect us from anything that might be upsetting or uncomfortable.” And I was responding with, “No, it’s <em>because</em> I love you that I will never protect you from what is potentially upsetting or uncomfortable.”</p>
|
||
<p>This shouldn’t have surprised anyone, as this is and was pretty much my entire message around personal development and self-help: <a href="https://markmanson.net/five-ideas-can-change-your-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">pain is a healthy part of the process</a>. Discomfort and upsetting ideas are what make you better. Confronting things that upset you helps you overcome them and yourself.</p>
|
||
<p>On top of that, I would argue, I doubt trigger warnings work, anyway. Anyone who has studied psychology (or advertising) for half a minute knows that people are drawn to what upsets them, not the opposite.</p>
|
||
<p>I took a lot of shit for this stance, back in the day. I even had a couple journalists talk some shit about me for not using them, implying that I was hypocritical. But whatever, I had better things to do. I guess you could say (here it comes) that I didn’t give a fuck.</p>
|
||
<section class="light-section content-section">
|
||
<div class="section-content">
|
||
<h2 class="section-header no-number">The Verdict Is In</h2>
|
||
<p><strong>This is the part where I get to say, “I told you so.” </strong></p>
|
||
<p>Researchers have been studying trigger warnings for the past seven years and a couple weeks ago, the first <a href="https://osf.io/qav9m/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">meta-analysis</a> was done to gauge how effective they have been. Meta-analyses are a big deal because they gather all the major studies that have been done on a topic and pull all the data together as though they were done in one giant piece of research. This gets them to a dependable result. And in regard to trigger warnings, the results were stark: They don’t help. At all. And in some limited cases, they may even make things worse.</p>
|
||
<p>Let’s talk about why.</p>
|
||
<p>Studies consistently showed that trigger warnings do nothing to alleviate fears, pain, or anxiety about upsetting material. In fact, in some rare cases, they actually made it worse.</p>
|
||
<p>Imagine you lose your job. That’s pretty fucking upsetting.</p>
|
||
<p>Now, imagine the way you lost it is that you’re at work, doing your thing one day, and a co-worker walks by and says, “Hey, just want to give you a trigger warning: you’re going to lose your job tomorrow, maybe don’t come in to work.”</p>
|
||
<p>Would that make you any <em>less </em>upset? Would it make you feel better at all? Would you be like, “Oh cool, I can just stay home tomorrow”?</p>
|
||
<p>No, not only are you still upset about losing your job, but now you have all this extra time to agonize and think about what the fuck is happening. This is, on a small scale, what trigger warnings do to people: it gets them upset <em>about the fact that they’re going to be upset at some point in the future. </em></p>
|
||
<p>The counterargument here is that, “Well, that analogy doesn’t work because trigger warnings help people decide what to read and what not to read.” But again, the data doesn’t support this. In study after study, researchers found that trigger warnings had no effect on people’s choice to read content. And, in fact, a few found that people with PTSD symptoms are actually <em>more drawn to content with trigger warnings. </em></p>
|
||
<p>This will not come as a surprise: as I mentioned earlier, people don’t turn away from what upsets them; they are drawn to it. Ever heard of, “If it bleeds, it leads?” Yeah, there’s a reason that is a thing in the news media: people can’t help but look at stuff that bleeds.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</section>
|
||
<section class="light-section content-section">
|
||
<div class="section-content">
|
||
<h2 class="section-header no-number">The Dying Fad of “Safety-Ism”</h2>
|
||
<p>In their 2018 book, <i>The Coddling of the American Mind, </i>Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff write about a culture of “safety-ism” that arose in the early 2010s. They called it “safetyism” because it was a collection of morals and values that obsessed over and optimized everything for young people to feel safe and comfortable. This meant parents not letting their children play outside alone. It meant removing upsetting or controversial content from television, the internet, or news media. And yes, it also included trigger warnings.</p>
|
||
<p>The aims of safety-ism were noble. They saw that young people were experiencing greater amounts of anxiety, stress, and depression than previous generations and sought to remedy their angst by protecting them from anything that could potentially harm or upset them.</p>
|
||
<p>But this is not how the human mind works. The human mind is not fragile—it does not need to be protected and cushioned from the hard surfaces of reality like a vase or piece of fine china. The human mind is antifragile—that is, it <em>gains</em> from discomfort and strain. That means <a href="https://markmanson.net/resilience" target="_blank" rel="noopener">to grow stronger</a>, the human mind <em>needs </em>to regularly be confronted with difficult and upsetting experiences to develop stability and serenity for itself.</p>
|
||
<p>Unlike most people, I’m actually optimistic that safety-ism has peaked. It’s been years since I’ve gotten an email complaining about trigger warnings. I get far fewer emails complaining about upsetting content or accusing me of some form of bigotry or fascism. Either I’ve successfully alienated all of those readers out of my audience or many of them are finally realizing and accepting that this bizarre “woke” version of the world is unrealistic and untenable.</p>
|
||
<p>Either way, surveys show that these sorts of ideas are not exactly popular. Most people don’t believe trigger warnings work. Only a small but loud minority does—17% of people, according to <a href="https://ncac.org/resource/ncac-report-whats-all-this-about-trigger-warnings" target="_blank" rel="noopener">one survey</a>.</p>
|
||
<p>But think about it this way. If you’re running a news media company in a highly competitive environment with razor-thin margins and you know that including trigger warnings can make 17% of people like your publication that much more, why not include them? Why not promote them? That 17% of readers can be the difference between a profitable year and an unprofitable year. They can be the difference between hiring more staff and firing them.</p>
|
||
<p>So you use them. They’re easy. They take no effort. And the 83% of people who don’t believe they work likely won’t notice or care anyway.</p>
|
||
<p>Then when you use them, your competitors start using them because they also want to win over that 17%. Pretty soon, everyone’s got trigger warnings. And suddenly, there’s this awkward sense that, “Wow, trigger warnings are everywhere—so I guess everyone must believe in them.”</p>
|
||
<p>And yet, most people don’t.</p>
|
||
<p>Like most things online, it’s a mirage. It’s simply another example of the <a href="https://markmanson.net/internet" target="_blank" rel="noopener">great internet funhouse mirror</a>: the views of loud minorities get exaggerated and the views of the silent majority are squashed and minimized.</p>
|
||
<p>Don’t lose sight of reality. Yes, the hard, persistently unpleasant, always surprising reality. Not the one invented in the minds of the mob on Twitter.</p>
|
||
<p>And never, ever email me about this dumb shit ever again.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</section>
|
||
]]></content:encoded>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</item>
|
||
<item>
|
||
<title>Are You Entertained—Or Addicted?</title>
|
||
<link>https://markmanson.net/are-you-not-entertained</link>
|
||
|
||
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Mark Manson]]></dc:creator>
|
||
<pubDate>Mon, 18 Jul 2022 13:53:29 +0000</pubDate>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Decision Making]]></category>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Happiness]]></category>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Productivity]]></category>
|
||
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://markmanson.net/?p=392916</guid>
|
||
|
||
<description><![CDATA[<section class="stag-section stag-intro-text">
|
||
<p><span class="stag-dropcap stag-dropcap--squared" style="font-size:125px;line-height:125px;width:125px;height:125px;">I</span>n David Foster Wallace’s classic novel, <i>Infinite Jest,</i> there's a movie that is so entertaining that anyone who views even a small portion of it will give up all desire to do anything else in life in order to keep watching. Throughout the book, characters who see it give up family, friends, careers, even eating and sleeping, just to continue watching the film.</p>
|
||
</section>
|
||
<p>The overarching theme of <i>Infinite Jest </i>is that it's possible, both as an individual and as a society, to be <i>too </i>entertained. And much of the book’s 1000+ pages are about the absurdity of such a society. Wallace wrote <i>Infinite Jest </i>in the early 1990s, a time when televisions were just starting to get dozens of channels, news was being broadcast 24 hours per day, video games were taking over the minds of young kids, and blockbuster movies were earning unheard of amounts of cash at the box office each summer.</p>
|
||
<p>At the time, Wallace had just gone through a recovery program for alcohol and drug abuse. Yet, despite getting clean for the first time in his adult life, he noticed something strange: he couldn’t stop watching television. …</p>
|
||
]]></description>
|
||
<content:encoded><![CDATA[<section class="stag-section stag-intro-text"><p><span class="stag-dropcap stag-dropcap--squared" style="font-size:125px;line-height:125px;width:125px;height:125px;">I</span>n David Foster Wallace’s classic novel, <i>Infinite Jest,</i> there’s a movie that is so entertaining that anyone who views even a small portion of it will give up all desire to do anything else in life in order to keep watching. Throughout the book, characters who see it give up family, <a href="https://markmanson.net/what-real-friends-look-like" target="_blank" rel="noopener">friends</a>, careers, even eating and sleeping, just to continue watching the film.</p>
|
||
</section>
|
||
<p>The overarching theme of <i>Infinite Jest </i>is that it’s possible, both as an individual and as a society, to be <i>too </i>entertained. And much of the book’s 1000+ pages are about the absurdity of such a society. Wallace wrote <i>Infinite Jest </i>in the early 1990s, a time when televisions were just starting to get dozens of channels, <a href="https://markmanson.net/why-you-should-quit-the-news" target="_blank" rel="noopener">news</a> was being broadcast 24 hours per day, video games were taking over the minds of young kids, and blockbuster movies were earning unheard of amounts of cash at the box office each summer.</p>
|
||
<p>At the time, Wallace had just gone through a recovery program for alcohol and drug abuse. Yet, despite getting clean for the first time in his adult life, he noticed something strange: he couldn’t stop watching television.</p>
|
||
<p>Wallace seemed to understand that as media multiplies, so does <a href="https://markmanson.net/attention-economy" target="_blank" rel="noopener">competition for attention</a>. And as competition for our attention multiplies, content is no longer optimized for beauty or art or even enjoyment—but rather for its addictive qualities. When there are two TV channels, the channel doesn’t really have to worry about you clicking away, they just make the best show they can. But when there are 200 channels, suddenly that channel must do everything it can to keep you watching as long as possible. Wallace saw this problem coming decades in advance, and with his personal understanding of addiction based on his recovery experience, he seemed to grasp the addict culture we’d all soon be a part of.</p>
|
||
<p>Today, we regularly mistake this addictive media for entertainment. There’s some psychological function deep in our brains that tells us, “Well, I just spent six hours watching this show, I must like it a lot.” When, no, its script is actually a mediocre piece of hot trash and you’re being manipulated by cliffhangers and bad writing for hours on end to keep watching. The same way you get hijacked into scrolling through <a href="https://markmanson.net/social-media" target="_blank" rel="noopener">social media</a> way more than you’d actually like to, your brain gets hijacked to watch “just one more episode” to find out if so-and-so really died or not.</p>
|
||
<p>In social media, this “it’s addictive, but I also kinda don’t like it” phenomenon has been recognized and discussed to death. But in other areas of media and entertainment, we haven’t caught on yet.</p>
|
||
<p>Streaming services and Hollywood are the obvious culprits here. How many more mediocre Marvel Universe movies do we need to prove this point? How many more bad Star Wars spin-offs? How many bad Netflix shows with every episode ending in a cliffhanger? Everyone complains about how Hollywood doesn’t have any new ideas anymore. Well, there’s a reason nothing new is getting made: endlessly adding content to the same well-worn storylines keeps people hooked. Constantly playing to people’s sense of nostalgia and remixing classic genres is a risk-free way of guaranteeing viewership.</p>
|
||
<p>Music is in a similar place. For a while now, <a href="https://tedgioia.substack.com/p/the-new-numbers-on-music-consumption" target="_blank" rel="noopener">market research</a> on music streaming services has found that people spend more time listening to old music instead of new music and the trend on this is in the wrong direction. Music lovers are voting with their mouse buttons and those mouse buttons are going back in time, not forward.</p>
|
||
<p>Veteran music producer Rick Beato has made a number of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5FDwV940Qo&ab_channel=RickBeato" target="_blank" rel="noopener">videos</a> lately talking about how popular music the past few years has gotten simplified to the point where it’s one or two chords and a single melody, repeated over and over for two or three minutes. No chorus. No bridge. No variation. No build-up or release. Just an endless hodgepodge of catchy sounds repeated, one after another.</p>
|
||
<p>Part of this is because the economics of music streaming is such that artists have incentive to <i>not</i> create the best songs or albums possible, but rather to create as many small, simple songs that prevent you from clicking away as possible. It’s created an artistic environment where it’s better to have 200 decent, listenable songs rather than 20 brilliant songs.</p>
|
||
<p>A similar problem plagues <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@iammarkmanson" target="_blank" rel="noopener">YouTube</a>, where the biggest creators rack up millions of views doing inane things like opening a thousand Amazon boxes or giving away cars to their friends, over and over and over again. On the one hand, it’s not that interesting. On the other, you find yourself mindlessly clicking on the next video, and the next, and the next, and the next.</p>
|
||
<p>When everything is measured in terms of engagement, content will be optimized for addictiveness. Not entertainment or artistic merit. Not intellectual substance or <a href="https://markmanson.net/boring-ways-to-become-more-creative" target="_blank" rel="noopener">creativity</a>. Pure, plain addictiveness. That means we, the consumers, get a higher quantity of more predictable, less innovative, less interesting art in our lives.</p>
|
||
<p>In the realm of art and music and film and television, this is really annoying and frustrating. It requires each of us to sift longer and harder to find something new and great. But where this optimization for addictiveness gets dangerous is another part of culture that I want to talk about… *takes a deep breath* …politics.</p>
|
||
<p>I’ve written before about how most people in the United States agree about most things, yet somehow our political parties and government continually find ways to do things most people don’t like. Many pundits have attributed this inconsistency between the public’s desires and the government’s actions with theories about the primary system or entrenched special interests or polarizing social media.</p>
|
||
<p>But what about this? Politicians—like Hollywood executives, pop stars, and YouTube creators—are incentivized to generate more engagement. Not great results. Just more engagement, all the time. Therefore, their actions are not optimized to produce smart policy or common sense bills or a shrewd compromise, but instead to grab and hold our attention as long as humanly possible.</p>
|
||
<p>David Foster Wallace saw this coming too. The president of the United States in <i>Infinite Jest </i>is a former pop singer who obsesses over his television ratings, thinks policy discussions are too boring and considers war with Canada based on how good his photo ops would be in military camo fatigues. In the book, terrorist groups run rampant, as the battlefield is not for territory or resources, but for eyeballs and headlines.</p>
|
||
<p>Ultimately, nobody can <a href="https://markmanson.net/attention-diet" target="_blank" rel="noopener">manage our attention but ourselves</a>. We can get mad at Netflix or Spotify or the Senate. But ultimately, these systems are loose reflections of our own attention habits shining back at us. Change our attention, change the systems. There’s an old saying that people “vote with their feet.” Well, today you need to vote with your eyeballs and mouse clicks. Don’t watch the next episode of that poorly written piece of garbage that keeps teasing you with characters almost dying. Don’t listen to the next half-assed album with 27 different two-minute tracks. Don’t click on clickbait. Don’t mindlessly scroll through TikTok and YouTube, rewarding people for attention-grabbing stunts. And don’t watch or respond to politicians and pundits who try to blather on and on about pet issues but never actually get anything done.</p>
|
||
<p>In the chaotic, entertaining mess of <i>Infinite Jest, </i>there is the story of Don Gately, a recovered alcoholic who would literally rather die than relapse into his substance abuse. When I first read the book years ago, Gately’s storyline seemed out of place. Amid all this futuristic mayhem of short attention spans and insanely addictive entertainment and neurotic teenagers, Gately’s narrative seemed like an oddly conventional story of personal triumph <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-overcome-your-demons" target="_blank" rel="noopener">over one’s demons</a> and an ability to sacrifice oneself for others.</p>
|
||
<p>What I realize now is that Wallace wrote the character of Don Gately as an example of what we would all need to aspire to become: recovered addicts. People who can cut themselves off cold turkey, who can turn off the drug. People who can manage their own attention and not fall victim to endless streams of mindless engagement. People who can step above the fray of political addiction and demand substance over bluster. And not just for our own sake. For everyone else’s as well.</p>
|
||
]]></content:encoded>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</item>
|
||
<item>
|
||
<title>3 Principles for a Better Life</title>
|
||
<link>https://markmanson.net/3-principles-for-a-better-life</link>
|
||
|
||
<dc:creator><![CDATA[Mark Manson]]></dc:creator>
|
||
<pubDate>Mon, 13 Jun 2022 04:01:11 +0000</pubDate>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Motivation]]></category>
|
||
<category><![CDATA[Personal Values]]></category>
|
||
<guid isPermaLink="false">https://markmanson.net/?p=392859</guid>
|
||
|
||
<description><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">I used to have a newsletter with the pitch, “3 Ideas That Can Change Your Life.” For years, I sent out emails in that format: three ideas—one, two, three—thank you, drive through.</p>
|
||
<p>News flash: I've got a new weekly newsletter now called <em>The Breakthrough</em> where I send out ideas and give you homework for the week that can spark breakthroughs in your life.</p>
|
||
<p>So consider this a throwback article. Except instead of three ideas that could change your life, these are three principles for a better life.</p>
|
||
<p>I like principles because unlike rules or specific ideas, principles are designed to be applied loosely and broadly. Principles are things that are <em>usually </em>true, but sometimes don’t apply—<em>usually </em>helpful, but sometimes dumb as fuck.</p>
|
||
<p>And unlike a rule or a piece of actionable advice, principles sit in the background, quietly informing your decisions and perspectives. In that way, when good, principles can be far more effective than any sort of “do this, do that” imperative. These are three of the most helpful principles I’ve come across to steer my life. I hope you find them helpful as well.</p>
|
||
<p>So without further ado…</p>
|
||
<p>Principle #1: …</p>
|
||
]]></description>
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<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">I used to have a newsletter<a class="fn-ref-mark" href="#footnote-1" id="refmark-1"><sup>1</sup></a> with the pitch, “3 Ideas That Can Change Your Life.” For years, I sent out emails in that format: three ideas—one, two, three—thank you, drive through.</p>
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<p>So consider this a throwback article. Except instead of three ideas that could change your life, these are three principles for a better life.</p>
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<p>I like principles because unlike rules or specific ideas, principles are designed to be applied loosely and broadly. Principles are things that are <em>usually </em>true, but sometimes don’t apply—<em>usually </em>helpful, but sometimes dumb as fuck.</p>
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<p>And unlike a rule or a piece of actionable advice, principles sit in the background, quietly informing your decisions and perspectives. In that way, when good, principles can be far more effective than any sort of “do this, do that” imperative. These are three of the most helpful principles I’ve come across to steer my life. I hope you find them helpful as well.</p>
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<p>So without further ado…</p>
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<section class="light-section content-section">
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<div class="section-content">
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<h2 class="section-header no-number">Principle #1: You Are Perfect Just as You Are… But You Can Always Be Better</h2>
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<p>I first heard this statement muttered by a <a href="https://markmanson.net/the-zen-dilemma" target="_blank" rel="noopener">zen master</a> at a meditation retreat in my early twenties and it’s stubbornly stuck with me ever since. In fact, the older I get, the more wisdom I see in it. You are already good enough as you are… but you can also always be better.</p>
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<p>There is an inherent tension between <a href="https://markmanson.net/self-esteem" target="_blank" rel="noopener">self-acceptance</a> and <a href="https://markmanson.net/five-ideas-can-change-your-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">self-improvement</a>. This tension is within each of us. On the one hand, we want to feel at peace with ourselves, to understand that we are good, valuable, worthy human beings and we deserve love and respect and occasional backrubs.</p>
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<p>On the other hand, unless you’re comatose, it’s abundantly clear that we have no fucking clue what we’re doing most of the time. We mess up all the damn time. There are so many ways we could be better—that we could learn more, achieve more, <a href="https://markmanson.net/subscribe/build-a-better-life-signup" target="_blank" rel="noopener">grow more</a>, etc.</p>
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<p>I love this principle because it bluntly acknowledges that this internal tension will never go away. It doesn’t matter how productive, competent, and awesome you become, there will always be something that you kinda suck at. That gnawing sense of inadequacy will never be conquered. There is <a href="https://markmanson.net/perfectionism" target="_blank" rel="noopener">no perfection</a>, only progress.</p>
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<p>But, at the same time, you are still a worthy and valuable human being, regardless of how screwed up you are, regardless of how many mistakes you’ve made, regardless of how much <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-up" target="_blank" rel="noopener">room for growth</a> you may have.</p>
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<p>The beauty of this principle is that it shows that self-acceptance and <a href="https://markmanson.net/self-improvement" target="_blank" rel="noopener">self-improvement</a> need each other—that having one without the other inevitably leads to dysfunction. If you’re all self-acceptance without self-improvement, then you become a lazy, indulgent, selfish twat. If you are all self-improvement with no self-acceptance, then you become a neurotic, hyper-critical, over-anxious mess.</p>
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<p>Self-acceptance doesn’t work without self-improvement. Self-improvement doesn’t work without self-acceptance. You are perfect just as you are… but you can always be better.</p>
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</section>
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<section class="light-section content-section">
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<div class="section-content">
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<h2 class="section-header no-number">Principle #2: Most People Aren’t Evil, They’re Just Stupid. This Includes Ourselves</h2>
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<p>A lot has been made about <a href="https://markmanson.net/social-media" target="_blank" rel="noopener">social media</a> and how it affects our mental health and politics. But I believe that the most under-discussed effect of a social media-driven world is that it subtly promotes moralizing. This mass moralization has grown to such an extent that I now believe something I never would have imagined possible ten years ago: that we probably need a little <em>less </em>moralizing in the world, not more.</p>
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<p>This moralizing is a problem because of how absolutely clueless and ignorant pretty much all of us are about almost every topic. When there’s a post online that is <a href="https://markmanson.net/internet" target="_blank" rel="noopener">optimized to piss you off</a> as much as possible, combined with the ease with which we demonize and judge anonymous people on the other side of the screen, combined with how easy it is to post harsh judgments and harassments, the result is a population of self-righteous, overly-moralizing fucknuts with Twitter accounts.</p>
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<p>If the pandemic taught us anything, it’s that <em>everything </em>and <em>everyone </em>will, at some point, be wrong about something very significant. It doesn’t matter where your politics are, what your country is, what your personal beliefs or risk tolerances are—at some point in the last three years, <a href="https://markmanson.net/wrong-about-everything" target="_blank" rel="noopener">you and I were wrong</a> about something. And, in many cases, horribly wrong. Therefore, it’s safe to assume that you and I will be horribly wrong about something again.</p>
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<p>You would think this would humble people a little bit and encourage them to withhold judgment about things. But it appears to have done the opposite instead.</p>
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<p>Principle number two is similar to a philosophical concept known as Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.”</p>
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<p>But I’d like to add to Hanlon’s Razor something I’ll call Manson’s Addendum: “…and pretty much everything you see or read is some degree of stupidity.”</p>
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<p>In the past ten years, I’ve written a lot about the need to <a href="https://markmanson.net/attention-diet" target="_blank" rel="noopener">manage our attention</a>. To me, this was perhaps the most important skill that people needed to adopt in response to an always-online world.</p>
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<p>But as the world becomes highly polarized and angrier and disinformation spreads in every direction, I think the ability to reserve moral judgment and be slow to draw conclusions may become the next critical new skill necessary to survive in the Twitter-driven world.</p>
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</div>
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</section>
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<section class="light-section content-section">
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<div class="section-content">
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<h2 class="section-header no-number">Principle #3: A Little Bit of Truth Exists in Everything; But the Whole Truth in Nothing</h2>
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<p>I discovered this principle from reading <a href="https://markmanson.net/ken-wilber" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Ken Wilber</a> when I was younger and it’s served me well intellectually throughout my life. Wilber used to quip: “No one is smart enough to be wrong about <em>everything.</em>” Therefore, even if we disagree with someone horribly, there is always an opportunity to at least understand what may be true or useful about their views.</p>
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<p>For example, I believe astrology is almost certainly wrong. But it’s based upon some assumptions that are probably true. People’s innate personalities do differ. These innate differences are largely predictable and measurable. And there’s even research that has shown that personalities can differ a tiny amount based on which season of the year someone is born in.</p>
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<p>Now, that’s quite different than believing the hour, day, and month you are born can affect your whole life. But it’s something.</p>
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<p>This ability to seek the pieces of truth in a larger, erroneous whole is an important skill to develop. For one, it makes you <a href="https://markmanson.net/lifelong-learning" target="_blank" rel="noopener">learn much faster</a>. But it also makes you more sympathetic to people who believe differently than you. Most importantly, it will help you develop the <a href="https://markmanson.net/subscribe/challenging-beliefs-signup" target="_blank" rel="noopener">ability to change your mind</a>, when warranted—a skill that is horribly underrated these days.</p>
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<p>Because the flipside of this principle is that while nothing is completely wrong, nothing is completely correct either. No religion, ideology, or belief system has a monopoly on the truth. And understanding that is necessary to, again, keep us learning, sympathizing, and being willing to change our minds and grow.</p>
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<p>Because we humans derive a lot of psychological comfort in feeling as though we have found the Capital-T truth, our own little personal Final Answer. But the reminder that there is no such thing as the Final Answer of life—that life is merely an endless process of slightly less wrong answers to each of our questions—is not only necessary for a strong mind, it is, itself, an incomplete truth.</p>
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</div>
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</section>
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<div id="footnote-list" class="footnote-list" style="display:inherit">
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<div class="footnotes-inner-container"><span id="fn-heading">Footnotes</span></p>
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<ol>
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<li id="footnote-1" class="fn-text">News flash: I’ve got a new weekly newsletter now called <a href="/breakthrough" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>The Breakthrough</em></a> where I send out ideas and give you homework for the week that can spark breakthroughs in your life.<a href="#refmark-1">↵</a></li>
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</ol>
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</div>
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</div>
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]]></content:encoded>
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<title>Everyone Is Mostly the Same… (And Why This Is Good News)</title>
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<link>https://markmanson.net/everyone-is-the-same</link>
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<dc:creator><![CDATA[Mark Manson]]></dc:creator>
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<pubDate>Mon, 09 May 2022 04:01:48 +0000</pubDate>
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<category><![CDATA[Happiness]]></category>
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<guid isPermaLink="false">https://markmanson.net/?p=392733</guid>
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<description><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">I started my first blog in 2007. By 2011, writing and publishing online was my full-time job. By 2013, that writing was being read by over a million people each month. And while the exact number has fluctuated over the years, that still remains true.</p>
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<p>Early on in my career, as you would expect, I was grateful and amazed at the fact that so many people were reading <em>my</em> thoughts. How fucking cool was that?</p>
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<p>But as the years went on, I started to realize what was <em>actually </em>special about my situation: the unique ability to be exposed to so many <em>other</em> people’s thoughts and experiences.</p>
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<p>Over the past 15 years, I’d estimate that I’ve received questions and learned about the lives of around 50,000 people. These people have been of all ages, from grade school up to people in their 90s. They’ve been from all over the world, from the US to Europe to India to Japan to Africa and back. They’ve been of all races, religions, genders, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic backgrounds. The sheer variety of people that have shown up in my inbox looking for advice through the years is …</p>
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]]></description>
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<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p class="intro-text">I started my first blog in 2007. By 2011, writing and publishing online was my full-time job. By 2013, that writing was being read by over a million people each month. And while the exact number has fluctuated over the years, that still remains true.</p>
|
||
<p>Early on in my career, as you would expect, I was grateful and amazed at the fact that so many people were reading <em>my</em> thoughts. How fucking cool was that?</p>
|
||
<p>But as the years went on, I started to realize what was <em>actually </em>special about my situation: the unique ability to be exposed to so many <em>other</em> people’s thoughts and experiences.</p>
|
||
<p>Over the past 15 years, I’d estimate that I’ve received questions and learned about the lives of around 50,000 people. These people have been of all ages, from grade school up to people in their 90s. They’ve been from all over the world, from the US to Europe to India to Japan to Africa and back. They’ve been of all races, religions, genders, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic backgrounds. The sheer variety of people that have shown up in my inbox looking for advice through the years is staggering. I’ve been truly blessed to be exposed to so many people from so many walks of life.</p>
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<p>In fact, I truly believe that it’s the insane <em>breadth </em>of exposure that has had the greatest influence on my work. When you hear about life problems from Kenya, Serbia, India, Brazil, and New York, all in the same afternoon, you’re able to start zeroing in on what’s universal about the human condition and what is not.</p>
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<p>And this has been my biggest lesson that I have learned from all of you, my readers. A lesson that is as liberating as it is shockingly obvious:</p>
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<blockquote class="fat-quote no-footer"><p>That while we all appear completely different on the outside, everyone is more or less struggling with the same three or four problems.</p></blockquote>
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<p>Sure, the contexts change and the cultures are varied and everyone’s life stories are inevitably different.</p>
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||
<p>But at our core, whether we’re an insecure teenager from Quebec, an overworked woman from India, a worrisome grandmother from Texas, or a desperate immigrant living in Australia, we all seem to struggle with the same small grouping of stressors and anxieties:</p>
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<p><i>“I’m unhappy in my relationship but don’t know if I should end it or keep trying.”</i></p>
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<p><i>“I’m unsure of what to do for my future—I worry that I’ve been on the wrong path.” </i></p>
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<p><i>“I struggle with anxiety/anger/depression and it’s fucking up many areas of my life.” </i></p>
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<p><i>“I’m insecure about my money/status/appearance and wish I didn’t give a fuck.” </i></p>
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<p>And here’s what’s more incredible. Most of these people I hear from feel like <em>they’re weird</em> for having the problem that they do. The woman in India feels as though she’s strange for feeling this way and is afraid to tell anyone—just as the grandmother in Texas fears that <em>she </em>is weird, just as the teenager in Quebec feels that <em>he </em>is weird.</p>
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<p>It’s sometimes amusing to get an email from someone who describes their problem and proceeds to write in it, “I don’t think anyone could possibly understand how I feel.” Meanwhile, there are four other emails in my inbox from people with the exact same problem. Sometimes I want to just forward these people to each other so they can create anonymous little support groups.</p>
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<p>Early in my career, I used to stress about each of these emails. I couldn’t yet see the commonalities, so I would obsess over the details. Surely, being a teenager in Quebec means he’s different from every other teenager in the world. In my mind, there were as many problems in the world as there were people.</p>
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<p>But as time went on, I started to realize that not only were these totally normal struggles and anxieties of the human condition, but that the best I could do in most cases was simply assure these people that they were, in fact, not weird. That their problems are not unique or special. That they <em>should </em>talk to somebody about it.</p>
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<p>Because, ultimately, I don’t know their life. I don’t know their relationships. In many cases, I don’t know their culture. But what I do know is something incredibly important that few people have ever seen first hand: <em>that they are not alone. </em></p>
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<p>This is why I structured my online courses the way I did: they are based on the same five or six problems that I hear from people over and over and over again: <a href="https://markmanson.net/subscribe/healthy-relationships-signup" target="_blank" rel="noopener">relationships</a>, <a href="https://markmanson.net/subscribe/finding-purpose-signup" target="_blank" rel="noopener">purpose</a>, <a href="https://markmanson.net/subscribe/emotional-mastery-signup" target="_blank" rel="noopener">emotions</a>, <a href="https://markmanson.net/subscribe/resilience-signup" target="_blank" rel="noopener">resilience</a>, <a href="https://markmanson.net/subscribe/build-a-better-life-signup" target="_blank" rel="noopener">life planning, habits</a>. Rinse. Repeat.</p>
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<p>Because while our <a href="https://markmanson.net/personal-values" target="_blank" rel="noopener">values</a>, cultures, and life circumstances change—our <a href="https://markmanson.net/five-ideas-can-change-your-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">core struggles as humans</a> remain the same. <a href="https://markmanson.net/why-dating-is-so-hard" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Relationships are hard</a>, but necessary. Trauma is inevitable, but <a href="https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-from-your-pain" target="_blank" rel="noopener">healing is possible</a>. Emotions cannot be conquered, but must be <a href="https://markmanson.net/emotional-intelligence" target="_blank" rel="noopener">accepted and managed</a>. A sense of purpose is not found, it must <a href="https://markmanson.net/life-purpose" target="_blank" rel="noopener">be created</a>.</p>
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<p>These struggles never cease being struggles. You may get your relationships figured out today, but something will happen down the road that will disrupt them and cause chaos and you will have to start again.</p>
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<p>You might find some sense of purpose today, but in a decade, a dramatic shift in values will force you to pick it all up again.</p>
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<p>You might feel like you have a handle on your emotions now, but some unexpected tragedy will one day throw you into life’s maw once again.</p>
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<p>And when it happens, you must remind yourself that the uniqueness of your problem is an illusion, that the sense that you are somehow weird or abnormal is imagined. That as you continue through your life, pretending like nothing is wrong, everyone around you is merely doing the same.</p>
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||
<p>This is why <a href="https://markmanson.net/vulnerability-in-relationships" target="_blank" rel="noopener">vulnerability is so important</a> and so powerful. Not just for you to be able to express your <a href="https://markmanson.net/shame" target="_blank" rel="noopener">pain and shame</a>, but because expressing it means you are giving others, who have also remained silent, permission to express theirs. It’s healing not just for you, but for all those around you.</p>
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<p>Or, you can just <a href="mailto:mark@markmanson.net" target="_blank" rel="noopener">email me</a>. And I’ll tell you what I tell everyone: “That’s totally normal. You’re going to be fine. You should actually talk to someone in your life about it. Tell them what you just told me.”</p>
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